Bombs, Guns, and Tea Parties!
by Trick N. Zwei
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a little girl who received an unexpected invitation to a different universe. Unfortunately for her, that universe was on the brink of total annihilation! Now it is up to her (and some other dudes) to turn the apocalypse into a crumpocalypse! With a side of salad, of course. TINY TINA IN THE HOUSE, SUCKAZ!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I make no claims of owning Mass Effect or Borderlands, only the OC that appear in this fanfic. Don't sue me, I'm really poor.**

 **A/N: It's been a while since I last played both games in this series. Although I find myself liking the characters from Borderlands a little bit more than the ones from Mass Effect. Something about characters with a crazier mind set really makes them more interesting to me.**

* * *

"Awwww yeaaah!"

Tiny Tina's eyes were glossed over as she stared at the slick-ass new spaceship that Hyperion had secretly been working on. A super-secret space ship that Handsome Jack had secretly made in a really, really, _extremely_ hard to find underground base littered with bots, traps, and empty pizza boxes located in Pandora's moon Elpis.

"Umf! Just look at dem fine ass curves on that bad momma jamma!" said the little pyscho. "I'm gettin' wet just lookin' at her."

"Ew, Tina!" said her overgrown meat cycle transport, Brick. "You're slobbering all over my head!"

Tina had spent the entire operation on top of the overly muscled man's shoulders, even while fighting for their lives and having death rained on top of them. Although, she did contribute to the battle a few times by throwing a few grenades here and there.

Actually, it was more like she was throwing explosives everywhere like confetti at a Mad Moxxi wedding. Which is to say, it got all up in everyone's faces.

"Tina, stop drooling and help us check up on the loot," said Lilith, her hand resting on those child-bearing hips of hers. "This place is a mess, not counting the mess we made on the way here. Seriously, this place is like a dump. I guess that Hyperion informant wasn't kidding when he said this place was a dumping ground for Jack's shelved and failed projects." Her face scrunched up in disgust after she stepped on a moldy slice of pizza. "Who knows what sorts of stuff that jackass left lying around this place."

Surrounding the nice, expensive looking spaceship was all sorts of junk and knick-knacks that one could probably find in a junkyard. Well, except these pile of junks were stored away by Handsome Jack himself, so they could potentially be dangerous. Not that anything at a Pandoran junkyard would be safe. It's just that the junk here might be a tad more… well, it's going to be probably worse than the regular trash in Pandora.

The large hangar they were in was a hoarder psycho's wet dream. Who knew that even Handsome Jack wasn't immune to dumping all his shit in the garage like everyone else?

A few explosions rang out from somewhere else in the base. The audible sounds of gunfire and laughter accompanied the chorus of mayhem and destruction.

"Looks like our other crew haven't finished up on their side yet," said Mordecai, setting down the scope of his sniper rifle after checking through the window on the opposite end of the base. "Doesn't look like they'll be here anytime soon. Salvador looks like he's having too much fun."

Lilith sighed.

"Well, I guess we'll have to start cleaning up—"

"NAPTIME!"

Immediately, the little girl on Brick's shoulder's fell back, her arms dangling towards the ground while making snoozing noises. It was a testament to how well Brick knew her that he was able to hold on to her legs as soon as she proclaimed what time it was.

"Tina!" Lilith said while looking annoyed. "You can't just call naptime anytime you don't want to help with the chores. There are a lot of things that we need your help—"

"ZzzzZZZzzzz!" snored Tina loudly. "I'mmasleepinreallydeeplyandcan'thearsyouzzzzzz."

"Aww… poor kid tuckered herself out," said Brick lovingly. "We should get her some rest."

"Ugh!" Lilith waved her arms up in surrender. "Forget it. Just set her down and start cleaning up the rest of Jack's mess." As soon as she stepped back, Lilith stepped on another moldy piece of pizza. "If he wasn't dead already, I really wonder if it would have killed him to clean up a little bit after himself."

"Well, he was a psychopathic megalomaniac," said Mordercai, "So yeah, I think he might've actually died if he cleaned up after himself."

"Is that why Tina won't help with the cleaning too?" snorted Lilith.

"Nah. She's a little psychopath, for sure, but she ain't no megalomaniac like he was." The thin hunter started rubbing his beard in thought. "Although I think she did once refer to herself as an explodomaniac, so I guess it's not completely off the table."

While the three adults started sifting through the piles of loot, garbage, junk, a kitchen sink…? Whatever. Tiny Tina opened one eye to check if the coast was clear.

"Ahhh…" Tiny Tina jumped to her feet. "Free from the Siren's call. Girl's lucky she got a damn nice booty, 'cuz her naggin' could sink ships from _space_."

"Now then," she cracked her fingers. "Time to find some new toys that can make some noooise! Let's see if paranoid old Jack didn't hide some of his more _delectable_ goodies deep down in this booty." Tina eyed the docked spaceship above them and smiled. "Shiny new toys gotta be in a shiny new box."

The little girl quickly made her way up a service ladder. But before she reached the doors of the spaceship, a purple glow coming from a console on the catwalk had caught her attention.

"Oh sweet twin sisters, purple is the shizzles baby!" said Tina. "It's the color of the _finer_ things in life."

Upon closer inspection, the source of the glow was a rough looking stone. It was a circular stone medallion with a Vault symbol on it. The etchings of the symbol glowed purple, pulsing ever so slowly.

"The hell is this supposed to be?" said Tina, shaking the strange medallion, pounding it on the console, and then biting on it. "Am I supposed to be awed by this? 'Cuz I ain't feeling awed. I'm a bit peckish for some crumpets now, though."

"Tina?!"

Lilith's voice from below had caused her to turn quickly, accidentally elbowing a switch on the console.

"…Oops." The clamps on the catwalk disengaged. She started to fall from a height that would surely kill her with a splat. "HALP! I'm too crazy to die!" she shouted to Lilith as she saw the approaching ground that was littered with spiky, pointy, and particularly hard looking junk of Handsome Jack… junk as in garbage or scrap. Not the people kind of junk. That would be gross.

"Tina!" Lilith saw this and quickly made use of her Siren powers to try and teleport her little friend to safety.

Just as Lilith's power reached its target, the stone medallion had fallen in front of Tiny Tina. It seemed to have caused a reaction, because in the next second a purple darkness exploded from it. The shockwave blew hard against Lilith, knocking her off her feet.

In the next few seconds, Mordecai was trying to help the siren up off the ground.

"What the hell happened?" he asked with concern. "Was there some kind of trap or something?"

"I-what?" Lilith shook her head as she tried to remember what did happen. "Ugh, my head hurts…" Steadying herself on her feet, she found that another moldy piece of pizza was stuck to her boot. "Fuck that stupid shit Jack."

"Hey," said Brick while looking around, "Where's Tina? She's not where I left her."

"Oh my god, Tina!" shouted Lilith as she finally remembered. She ran over to the spot where she had been falling from.

"Slowdown, Lilith!" said Mordecai as he and Brick tried to catch up. They found her sifting through the junk and debris on the ground. "What happened?!"

"I… I don't know what happened," answered Lilith. She had just finished looking over the area, but couldn't find a trace of the tiny psychopath. "She fell and I tried to help her, but then…"

The siren fell silent as she recalled the object that fell with her friend. Her gaze noticed a familiar faint purple glow from underneath an empty pizza box.

"What is that?" said Mordecai.

"I'm not sure," said Lilith after taking the object into her hand. "But I bet you it will help us find where Tina is." She tightened her grip on the only clue they had.

* * *

"Seanne, can you hear me?"

Commander Shepard addressed the woman lying on the ground. He, Liara, and EDI had just finished off some Cerberus troops in the area and had found the young woman.

"How do you know my name?" said Seanne, stumbling to her feet.

"I saved your brother," said Sheperd while both Liara and EDI secured the area. "He's with Kahlee Sanders at security. Can you get to her?"

"Yeah, I just need to rest for a minute. Thank you."

The young woman seemed still a little bit weak to Shepard, however a nod from Liara told him that she would be fine.

"Don't push yourself too much," he said to her. "We'll get you and your brother out once we rescue the other students."

"Wait!" Seanne called out before he could sprint off. "There's a kid… she ran off somewhere when I told her that she needed to hide away from Cerberus."

"A kid?" asked Shepard, a deep concern showing on his face. "One of the students?"

"No," Seanne shook her head. "I've never seen her here before, and Grissom Academy doesn't have anyone that young here. She might be a family member of someone visiting here." She looked slightly confused. "She's… pretty hard to forget with the way she was dressed."

Shepard nodded and assured the young woman that they would find the little girl. There was no way he was going to let another child die. Not while he was on this mission.

* * *

As Shepard and his team continued on with their mission, meeting up with Jack and the other students to fight off waves of Cerberus troops, a certain little girl walked up to a lone Cerberus engineer fixing up the damaged mech suit he had been using.

"Whatcha doin'?"

The Cerberus engineer quickly raised his gun and pointed it at her, before slowly lowering it down as he saw that it was just one little girl.

"Geez, kid," He said with a sigh of relief. "Don't go sneaking up on me like that. I almost-uh, never mind. Are you one of the students here?"

"What do you think, mister?" Tiny Tina smiled at him.

"Hmm…" The Cerberus engineer wasn't really sure. The kid looked very, _very_ weird to him. However, they all had orders to capture the students for indoctrination. And that, he could be sure, would be what he was supposed to do. "Stay right there. I'm going to call for someone to come pick you up."

"Sure thing, mister!" said Tina. "Do you mind if I take out my teapot, though?"

"A teapot?" The Cerberus engineer didn't think much about it. He assumed it was probably just for play. "Sure. Why not? You can make me some tea too." He turned his back on her and proceed to activate his coms. "This is CE-437, I've got a possible student at my location in—"

Click.

"Some tea, my good sir?"

"Huh?" The Cerberus engineer turned to find that he was now staring at the barrel of a pistol decorated immensely with pink hearts on it.

With a single pull of the trigger, a two-round burst of corrosive acid shot blew and melted the Cerberus engineer's head off. His body fell down on the ground while the green acid oozed from whatever was left of his head.

"Too strong, sir?" said Tina, spinning the pistol on her finger. "I'd offer you a teabag, but a fine, delicate lady such as myself would find it too crude to do so." The only reply was a sizzle of the acid and a jerk of the body's leg. "Now please do be quiet and enjoy your tea."

Tina moved over to the body and scanned his coms with her ECHO device. With it, she was able to overhear the conversations between the Cerberus troops in the area. And she did NOT like what she was hearing. Especially about trying to capture as many students as they can, even if they had to kill a few.

"Bad guys all around, huh? Poop." Tina started tapping her lips as she tried to think of a way on out of there. "Whatsa girl gotta do to stops gettin' herself gangbanged?"

She started to pace back and forth about the question.

There were lots of ways. A lot of them very explosive ways. She just needed to pick the best options right now. And then, the idea hit her… literally. It had hit her on the head.

"Ow!" Tina rubbed the sore spot on her head. "How very rude of people to leave their—huh… yeah, this'll work."

A mad sparkle gleamed in Tiny Tina's eyes.

"AHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! OH IT'S ON NOW, BITCHES!"

* * *

"Liara, cast your singularity at any groups that come too close. EDI make sure to overload their shields as quick as you can."

Commander Shepard was conducting orders to his teammates in a calm manner. After rescuing David and the rest of the students, he had once again met up with Jack and her students to escape the academy. Unfortunately for them, Cerberus seemed intent on keeping them from doing just that.

"I gotta say, Shepard," said Garrus' voice in his coms, "This isn't working out as we planned."

The Turian was pinned down in another corner of the room along with Javik and James. They weren't able to join up together completely with Shepard and the rest, but at least they were in the same area.

"We had a plan?!" Shepard could hear James Vega over the turian's coms shouting through gunfire. "And here I thought we came here just to kick some Cerberus ass!"

"That _is_ part of the plan, Lieutenant!" answered back Garrus. "We just didn't think there'd be so much of it!"

"If you have time to talk, you have time to kill," said Javik, putting a round straight into a Cerberus centurion. "And there is plenty to kill to silence all of you for some time."

"Is that how Protheans inspire their people in combat or is that just you?" James said sarcastically.

A boom exploded nearby due to James throwing a grenade at some Cerberus guardians pushing their way through to them. It looked like all Cerberus troops were finally concentrating all their forces into their location.

Shepard and his people just needed to hold out a little longer. While they were under heavy pressure, the Cerberus forces weren't exactly gaining any ground due to their fierce resistance and help from Jack and her biotic students.

"Okay everyone, we've got this. So long as we—"

"Commander?"

"Yeah, what is it, EDI?"

"I'm detecting several signatures that is identical to that of Cerberus Atlas mechs heading our way."

Shepard thought things just got a little bit more complicated right now. He could already see the Cerberus forces adjusting their positions for one final full-on assault. Having mechs backing them up would really put his people for quite a fight.

"Are you damn serious?!" shouted Jack. "Please tell me you've just learned to joke around, EDI, because you seriously need to relearn it! Can you see me laughing? Because I ain't laughing right now!"

"No, I have not," said EDI. "Although I will put that in my list of priorities when we get back to the Normandy, if you so wish."

The ground shook. Everyone could feel it. Out of the main entrance to the atrium, Shepard could see two Atlas mechs starting to walk into the battleground. As Shepard and his team knew all too well, these mechs come equipped with a powerful rocket launcher, mass accelerator cannon, and a gross amount of shields and armor plating to shrug off attacks.

"Goddess protect us…" whispered Liara beside Shepard.

Suddenly, an explosion came from one of the mechs. It fell down, a smoking hole rising from behind it. The barrel of the mech behind it switched to the next one beside it and fired at the cockpit, breaking the glass. The claw arm reached into the other mech's cockpit and tore out its pilot. It threw the pilot hard into the ground like a football player making a touchdown, then promptly stepped on him with a crunch of its heavy metal foot.

"Heeeereee's TINA!" said the little girl piloting the mech. "Are you ready for some pain, scuttlebutts? Because I'm here to: BRING. IT. ON."

"I'm not really sure if your goddess answered your prayers correctly, Liara," said Shepard.

Liara could only stare dumbfounded at the unexpected appearance of a raging mech piloted by a maniacally laughing human child.

"Yo! Check out my ride, bitches! Tiny Tina ain't so tiny now!"

Tina began blowing shit up. Same as usual. Only she was a lot bigger and badder, with a mech suit to pilot.

"You want some of this?! I'm asking, you want somma dis?!" Tiny Tina flexed the robotic arms of her mech, asking them to come at her. She paused for a second after a Cerberus guardian just tried to melee her with his shield. "Dude… are you for real?"

"I… I don't know what I was thinking!" came the trooper's excuse. "I panicked!"

"Catch-a-Ride, BITCH!"

"Holy hell!" Jack ducked as the Cerberus guardian went sailing just above her head after getting booted by Tiny Tina. "That girl's insane!"

"That's a pretty big deal coming from her, Shepard," said Garrus over their coms.

"Makin' it raaaaaaaiin!" said Tina in unbridled glee, booting Cerberus troops left and right.

"Whatever the case is," said Shepard, "Let's mop them up and finish this!"

The Cerberus troops quickly became disorganized as they were now sandwiched with Shepard and his team at their front, and a psychotic trigger happy little girl with one of their mechs at their back. They tried to take cover and recover, alas it was not meant to be.

After blowing up almost every single trace of Cerberus forces in the area, Shepard and his team were now awkwardly face to face with the little girl who helped break them out of a jam. It was clear to everyone left alive that the little girl was more than a little _unstable._ Suffice to say, it was a pretty tense meeting… especially since Tiny Tina leveled her cannon on Shepard's face.

"So you guys the good guys, or do I gotta pop more caps?"

"We're the good guys," Shepard said without flinching.

"Awesome!" Tiny Tina dropped down from the cockpit and gave Shepard a hug. "Got any crumpets? 'Cuz I feels like I haven't eatens in FOREVAZ!"

"I think I ordered a few packs of those for the doc," said James.

"Cool, cool, cool, cool!" said Tina. "So, we goin' or what?!"

"James, Garrus," said Shepard, "Make sure to get everyone on a shuttle back to the ship. The rest of you secure their passage. We don't want any more surprises coming from Cerberus."

James tried to usher Tina to the shuttles, but he instead got saddled by her and turned him into her meat transport. He tried to get her to get down from him, but it didn't really work. He just went the rest of the way to the shuttles like that.

"So Jack…" Shepard caught his old comrade before she left with her students. "Is that girl part of the student body here? If so, I have to say the Alliance is really digging deep this time."

"Tiny and crazy?" scoffed Jack. "I've never seen her in my life, and I know all the students here at the academy. Sure she's not another surprise coming from Cerberus?"

That couldn't be discounted. Cerberus was all too good at infiltrating their agents into almost anywhere in the whole galaxy. But Shepard's gut told him that "Tiny Tina" was not Cerberus infiltrator material.

"She's a surprise alright," said Shepard. "But I don't think Cerberus has anything to do with her. I don't know who she is, but we'll find out and help her get back to where she belongs."

"Careful Shepard," warned Jack. "I've seen some crazies before, and that girlie there? She just made it to the very top of my list. And just pointing out a fact, the former top boss of that list was the Illusive Man."

He nodded seriously. "Noted."

* * *

"You wanted to see me, doc?"

Shepard knocked on the walls of the infirmary to announce his presence to Dr. Karin Chakwas, the SSV Normandy's doctor. The good doctor looked engrossed in her work looking at her vid screen.

"Commander," she greeted. "Good of you to come so soon. I'd have thought your report to Anderson would have taken longer."

"Wanted to keep things short," said Shepard. "You know, direct to the point with only an occasional joke in between. Hard to keep have a full conversation with the whole Reaper invasion going on in his side."

"Right, of course," nodded the doctor.

"So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Shepard knew that if the doctor needed to call for him, then the matter to discuss wouldn't be so light. Doctor Chakwas was a good woman to talk with on occasion, but she is very strict and serious about her work.

"It's in regards to one of the people you've recently picked up at Grissom Academy." Dr. Chakwas sighed. "I've done some routine tests to check on everyone's health to make sure they're all fine. The results for all of them came out okay, aside from those grazed by some gunfire…"

"But?"

"But," stressed the doctor, "There is that little girl that has me more than a little concerned."

Shepard frowned. He knew exactly who the doctor was referring to.

"I think I know who you're talking about," he answered. "Was there anything wrong with her health?"

"Not physically," stated the good doctor. "Well… aside from some old injuries here and there, like scars from cuts and little things like that. And the way she's dressed? Goodness, even the beggars in the deepest parts of Omega look better off than her. Aside from those, she appears to be a healthy young little girl."

"I can take a wild guess and say you're worried about her state of mind?"

"Frankly, I wonder if you didn't perhaps pick her up from a mental health facility while I wasn't paying attention." Shepard could tell the doctor looked a little more drained than usual. "Whilst diagnosing her for any physical or psychological trauma, I have concluded that she displays no less than five signs of various mental disorders within the first two minutes I spent with her. Her verbal mannerisms switch frequently. She has a strange mask splotched with _real_ blood on her head. Oh, and I can't forget that the stick of dynamite she had strapped to her waist that she said was part of 'The latest in Pandoran fashion' was actually fully functional."

"She had a bomb on her?!" Shepard had thought it was just a toy, since such things were only shown in cartoons from a long time ago. Heck, not even some of the humans with him had recognized it.

"We've managed to confiscate it from her," assured the doctor. "It took some convincing… and quite a few of my special ordered crumpets." She made a displeased frown thinking about it. "Even after that, it was all we could get from her. She is the type of person I would never leave sharp objects around. And yet, we cannot convince her to give us any more of her 'loot' as she so answered after warning us that she would cut us if we didn't stop pestering her."

"I see…"

Shepard can understand that the doctor wasn't just worried for the little girl, but for the rest of the people in the Normandy as well. Based on everything he was told just now; it was a very legitimate concern. The safety of the crew was something Doctor Chakwas would never take lightly.

"It'll only be until we reach the Citadel, doc," said Shepard. "EDI is having a hard time looking up info about her on the extranet, but I'm sure I'll probably find something in the Spectre database if she hasn't found anything else by then."

"And what if you still can't find anything, commander?" said Doctor Chakwas. "What will we do with her then?"

"We'll drop her off at the social services near the Presidium." Shepard was stoic. "We're out to save the galaxy right now. And as much as I'd like to help everyone along the way, I can't jeopardize our mission if she is proving too much for us to handle. People are dying in droves to the Reapers as we speak."

Doctor Chakwas nodded in agreement.

It would seem cold of him, but the doctor approved of it. They can't stop what they were doing every time someone needed help. The whole galaxy needs their help right now. Taking care of a psychotic little girl would be the least efficient way to manage their time.

"I'm glad to hear that, commander. I know you want nothing more than to help those in need, but a bleeding heart right now is not what's going to stop our extinction."

"Just curious, but where is she right now?"

"Ah…" Doctor Chakwas looked reluctant to speak. "I believe she was interested in seeing Liara, at least that's what I think she had said. I may be fluent in more than a few alien languages myself, but even I can only understand so much."

Speaking in slang was bad enough to her, speaking in crazy slang would just downright break her.

* * *

"Hey there, gurl." Tiny Tina stepped on up to Liara, her eyebrows going up and down. "Are all blue aliens as fine as you, or is that just you?"

"Uhm…" Liara was at a complete loss on what to say. She had never in her hundred years, give or take a few years, ever been hit on like this. Let alone by a human child. One whose age would even barely qualify as a baby to Asari standards.

"The future is quite disturbing," commented Javik who was passing by.

"Ahahahah!" Off to the side, Jack found the whole thing quite amusing. "Oh, this is great! The kid's got the hots for you, Liara!"

"Will you look at that," said Garrus. "Shepard was right. Looks like it didn't take me that long before I could agree on something with the Prothean." An amused grin was on his face as he too watched from the sidelines. "First it was the Reapers, and now this."

"What, haven't seen an Asari before, kid?" said Jack, coming up closer to Tina.

"Calamari?" Tina tilted her head in question. "Not really a big eater of seafood, but for her I'd make an exceeeeption! Umf!"

"Gross, kid." Jack didn't think anybody on this ship would ever be as offensive as her. It looked like times really are a-changing. "Really gross."

"Hey sugar," Tina winked at her, "Don't be jelly. Plenty of TNT to go around."

"I thought you said she gave up her bomb already?!" Garrus quickly looked worriedly to Jack for confirmation.

"Calm thy tits, strange birdie," said Tina. "What I mean is TNT as in Tiny 'N Tina. You know? It's 'cuz I'm DYN-O-MITE!"

Garrus wasn't the only one sighing in relief. Everyone was well informed that the little girl hadn't been completely forthcoming with giving up any of her stuff to them.

"So, what do you say, pretty lady?" Tina continued. "You, me, and the blue babe could play house. House of blues all day and night, you feel me?"

"I... uh, I forgot I needed to check up to see how Rodriguez was doing." Jack quickly slipped on out of there, while Garrus was struggling to hold his laughter down.

"C'mon, gurl!" shouted Tina at her fast retreating back. "You know you want this! Sirens always give Tiny Tina some love!"

"I was never really around children much on the job," said Garrus to Liara, "But are all human children like this? If so, I'd really hate to see Shepard when he was her age."

With Jack gone, there was no one else to distract Tina from laying it on thick at Liara.

"Guess it's just you and me now, blue lady," said Tina, still unperturbed. "Wanna bounce back to your crib and _introduce_ me to your species? We all be at peace if everyone shared more love in the world."

"Ahaha…" Liara was all for interspecies love and all, but this situation was making her very uncomfortable. "You know Turians also have a very intriguing culture." Her Turian friend was quick to shut up from his chuckling now. "I'm sure Garrus would be more than thrilled to tell you all about his people."

Tina looked over at Garrus, an eyebrow raised, looking him up and down.

"What you have to know about Turians, is that we have always held steady in battles," said Garrus, "No retreat, no surrender. Well, I think that's a load of varen shit." He went over to the ship elevator, pressed for down, and entered. "Retreat now and live to fight another day. Hope that's enlightened you both, Liara!" he said as the doors closed.

In an unexpected display of lost composure, Liara shouted back, "And I suppose Turian loyalty to their comrades counts for varen shit as well?!"

Liara was now left all alone with Tiny Tina.

"So… where were we?" smiled Tina. "I think we was at the part where you were about to let me crash at your crib?"

 _"_ _Sorry to interrupt in on your conversation, Liara,"_ said EDI's voice from above them, _"But I—"_

"Oh thank the goddess!" Liara never felt so overjoyed at someone interrupting on her. "EDI, whatever it is, I'll be on it immediately!"

 _"_ _But it is not—"_

"I said immediately!"

" _…_ _Understood."_ If EDI was surprised by Liara's behavior right now, she did not show it. _"Specialist Traynor had requested your presence for some help in regards to matters on gathering extranet information."_

"I'm sorry, Tina," said Liara, who couldn't really entirely fake looking sorry at all. "But you'll have to excuse me. We are at war and duty calls."

"Is cool." Tina just played with twisting her leg forwards and back. "Maybe next time?"

"Uh… sure." Liara couldn't really say no. Crazy or not, it was still hard to completely put down a little one's request. But at least for now she can get away scot-free.

Tiny Tina waved goodbye to Liara as she took the elevator to the bridge. Something about her smile just then kind of unnerved the Asari for a moment. As if she shouldn't leave her unsupervised. But then, she remembered who'd be supervising her if she didn't leave.

As the doors to the elevators closed shut, Tiny Tina asked, "So, EDI, right?"

 _"…_ _Yes?"_ EDI has been studying on human behaviors for some time since her creation, but this was still uncharted territory for her. Speaking to a human child, that is. _"Is there something I can help you with, Miss Tina?"_

"Since you're a robot and stuff, I betcha' know a lot, huh?"

 _"_ _I am an Enhanced Defense Intelligence, a quantum blue box AI that functions as this ship's electronic warfare defense."_ As digital as her voice was, there was a hint of pride in her words. _"Any knowledge not found in my database systems, I can quickly get through the extranet and other sources."_

"Sweeet," Tina began to rub her hands together. "How 'bout doin' me a solid and help a girl out?"

It was at this time that EDI understood what the other crew members meant about finding the little girl a bit unnerving. There was just something in her eyes that her programs aren't able to fully translate.

"I'll invite you to my tea party if you do."

 _"_ _A tea party?"_ And just like that EDI's curiosity was hooked. She knew what they were, but found that a chance for her to experience such an event would be highly unlikely. _"I… am curious on how one would conduct a human social event with an AI."_

"Please," Tina casually waived off. "You can invite just about anyone to a tea party. Heck, most of my guests aren't even human, usually. Living and breathing are optional for my parties. Well, not like they leave with those options afterwards anyway…"

 _"_ _Hmm…"_

"Come on," said Tina insistently. "I'll even give you a plus oooonee. You can invite someone else to go along with you if you're too shy."

 _"_ _Very well."_

EDI just had one person in mind. It would be a good excuse to engage in a social setting through invitation by a third party.

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **Here is another story that my head got wrapped around in. I'm sorry I'm a serial writer. I can't help it when the muse jumps around every time I get exposed to new stories and such.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I make no claims of owning Mass Effect or Borderlands, only the OC that appear in this fanfic. Don't sue me, I'm really poor.**

* * *

"Okay, EDI," said Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau, "I'm here at the port observation deck. What was it that you think might be a problem and why would you have me of all people need to check it?" He squinted his eyes to try and see in the dark. "And why are the lights off?"

Suddenly, the lights to the card table to his left turned on. The brightness of the lights momentarily impaired his vision. As his eyes finally adjusted to the light, he could see someone sitting behind the card table where he's made a small fortune off his crewmates.

"Welcome, Monsieur Moreau," said Tiny Tina. "I'm glad to see your just in time."

"Hey, aren't you that kid the commander picked up back at Grissom Academy?" said Joker suspiciously. He slowly approached the table. "I know being on a spaceship is cool and all, but you're a little too young to be walking around here unsupervised, aren't you?"

Tiny Tina gestured to the seat beside her.

"Please, take a seat. We can't have our mostest important guest standing for the party."

Joker decided to indulge the little girl and took the seat beside her. It definitely wasn't because his legs were kind of killing him after walking all the way there. He just decided to play a long a little bit before sending the girl back to the other civilians and making the trek back up to his nice cozy seat at the pilot's chair.

"What do you mean that I just got here on time? It sounds like you were expecting me." Joker chuckled a bit after remembering all those classic spy films where the villain acted much the same. "And what are you doing here by yourself?"

"Goodness, Monsieur Moreau," Tina poured herself some tea into her cup. "How can I be alone when I just told you that we are having a party?"

Joker felt a small chill in his back at seeing her smile at him. This definitely reminded him a lot of those old spy films he used to watch. It was pretty eerie.

"You are the last guest to arrive."

Something went over Joker's head, and he could feel his arms and torso get constricted into the chair.

"Huh-?! What the-EDI?!"

Out of the darkened part of the room behind him, EDI had walked over to take the seat opposite him. He switched between looking at her and the heavy titanium grade cargo straps that held him in place.

Yup. This was pretty much on par with what happened in those old flicks.

"Hello Jeff," said EDI.

"Oh god…" Joker gulped. "So this is how it ends for me, huh? I always knew this was how things would happen to me. I kept telling myself that I was being paranoid, but I knew! I knew this day was coming!"

"That is quite surprising to know, Jeff," said EDI, tilting her head. "I had not known you to possess enough foresight to be able to predict having to attend a tea party with me. Even I had calculated such a possibility to be lower than our chances of survival against the Reapers."

"…Wait, what?"

"Miss Tina Blowupington had invited me to join her for a tea party," stated EDI. "She was kind enough to offer me a plus one, and I had chosen you to join me. It is my first time being invited to such a human social gathering, so I thought that you would be the best candidate to accompany me. Seeing as you've successfully predicted an outcome like this, it would appear I was correct in my choosing."

Joker furrowed his brows as his brain tried to digest this. "So… you're not going to do unspeakable and horrifying things to me that would ultimately kill me in the end?"

"Oh, how you jest, Monsieur Moreau," giggled Tina while she poured his own cup in front of him. "…I reserve such tea parties only on special occasions," she said quietly in a serious tone. She gave him a pleasant smile as she pushed the smoking hot tea toward him. "I have some crumpets to go with our drinks."

"Well…" Joker finally relaxed his back a little after Tina moved back to her chair. "You are one terrifying little girl." He looked back to EDI. "So this is just a regular tea party, right?"

"Yes," answered EDI. "What else would it be?"

He couldn't believe it.

"Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?" Joker asked, a little annoyed at himself for his jumping to conclusions earlier. "And why did you just strap me to this chair?"

"I was merely following the proper procedure on how to invite special guests." EDI looked over to Tina. "I was told that I needed to lure you here, then make sure to restrain you so that you cannot escape."

"What?!" Joker had never before in his life ever attended a tea party, but he was pretty damn sure that this wasn't how they were supposed to go. "You honestly didn't find anything strange with that?"

"I wouldn't know. I have never conducted a tea party before. Miss Tina just told me that she has done many such parties before, and that I should just leave all of the planning to her. I happily conceded, knowing she would be far more familiar with human customs than I."

 _She doesn't know jack shit!_ Joker thought.

"I… think I should be heading on back up to the bridge," he said, shifting his body against the straps to check if they might be a little loose. They weren't. "The Normandy's main pilot and all. Gotta make sure we don't hit anything on the way to the Citadel and all that."

There was no way he was staying one more second here with EDI listening to that little psychopath beside her. He is never leaving his pilot's chair ever again while that girl was here on this ship.

"It's alright, Jeff," said EDI. "I have plotted a course straight to our destination. There's no need for you to be there in the next few hours until we reach the trafficked areas near Citadel space."

"Terrific…"

"Come now, Monsieur," said Tina, who had just sat down her tea after devouring a crumpet like a crumpet eating Godzilla. "Do not be in such hurry to leave." Her voice was ostentatiously snooty. "You simply must tell me about your extraordinary exploits as the pilot of such a fine vessel."

"My… uh, exploits?" Joker was kind of surprised she wanted to know. It's not every day that someone would opt to hear about his exploits over that of the commander and the others on the ship.

"Why, yez." Tina nodded. "I was told that you have done so many actions worthy to be sung and turned to ballads by the people of our time."

"Well, I… uh, EDI might have been exaggerating a little bit," Joker turned a little red from getting praised. "But I did do a lot of crazy stuff that saved our hides a bunch of times." He beamed proudly. "It's hard not to say that I have a direct hand in helping fight to save the galaxy, even if I can't be boots on the ground with Shepard and the others."

"Do tell…"

* * *

Commander Shepard wondered why Joker was not at his seat when he came to check up on their progress to the Citadel. He found it odd that his flight lieutenant would be out of his pilot's chair when they were close to arriving to Citadel space.

"If you're looking for Joker, commander, he said he had something to do at the port observation deck," said one of his crew on the bridge.

"Now why would he still be down there?" wondered Shepard to himself. "It's not like him to leave his seat in this ship for long."

The commander went there to check on the matter at hand himself. While he understood that the auto-pilot was on, he would still more comfortable with his best pilot on the wheel.

When Shepard opened the door to the port observation deck, he heard the sound of Joker loudly talking at the card table.

"And then can you believe the nerve of that guy trying to say that he went easy on me just because I was 'physically challenged.' Whatever that means! The guy was just butthurt that I whooped his ass in the flight simulator! You don't even need to use your legs in that test!"

He was surprised to hear him talk about his past so lively. It was obvious to him that Joker hadn't had an easy time in training to be a pilot. He didn't much like talking about it.

"What is going on here?" asked Shepard.

"Oh hey, commander." Joker raised a teacup in salute to him. "Care to join us?"

"Are you tied up?"

"Huh?" Joker looked down on the straps restraining him. "Oh yeah. I forgot about that. It's nothing much really. We're just having a little tea party going on."

"A tea party?" Shepard said. He looked at the table to see cups, crumpets, and a teapot. Seemed to be true enough. "I take it the little lady roped you and EDI into this?"

"For now," said EDI, "I am referred to as Senora Mejorado Defensor Intelligencia, commander." It was a pretty exotic name… and more of a mouthful. "And yes, Miss Tina Blowupington had arranged for this event."

Shepard looked over to Joker.

"It does sound sexier," he said. "What? I always thought Spanish was a little sexy!"

Shepard sighed.

"If Joker finds it appreciative, then I have no problems keeping the name, commander," added EDI. "It might help in improving my relations as an AI with the rest of the crew and organics."

"Let's, uh…" Shepard didn't think that would work well professionally. They were still part of the military and are subject to act as such. However, he didn't really want to break that to her so bluntly. "Let's just go with what were used to right now, EDI. We can consider name changing once we've put the whole Reaper invasion behind us."

"Understood, commander." There was only the slight hint of disappointment in her synthetic voice.

"Can you untie Joker, EDI?" said the commander. "We're a few minutes away from Citadel space, and I'd like it if both of you were back at your posts. You can have more time to yourselves once we've reached the Citadel."

Both Joker and EDI nodded.

"As for you, young lady," Shepard said to Tina, "Once we've settled a few things on the Citadel, we'll have you come join us to find where you have to go. If you have any parents or living relatives, we'll find them. Until then, you can wait here on the ship… supervised at all times this time."

Somehow, Shepard thought that leaving this little girl locked up in such a confined space for too long would be bad.

Bad for his ship.

"Me? Going on a tour?" said Tina with a delighted smile. "Aw dis gonna be EPIC! Alright lady and gent, get your butts on outta here. This party is OVER!" She began to stuff the leftover crumpets into her fanny pack. "I gots to prepare for my _debut._ Loves you twos and do join me again for another round sometime."

When the commander left the deck with Joker, he said, "Looks like you enjoyed yourself there, Joker. Haven't really seen you so lively since this we left earth behind."

"Can you blame me, commander?" said Joker. Both of them walked slowly to make it easier on him. "It's kind of hard to see the good things in life when you're home planet is being invaded by cybernetic killing machines that wipe out our entire galaxy every few tens of thousands of years."

"Good point." He supposed he'll probably have a much harder time turning Javik around to the more positive side of things then. He's wasn't sure if that would be easier or destroying the Reapers.

"So what did you think of our little guest?" said Shepard.

"Oh, I think she's a pretty cool kid," said Joker, surprising the commander. "Batshit crazy and totally terrifying, but a really good kid, I think?"

"She tell you much about herself?"

"Hmm… well, I did most of the talking, really." Joker strained a smile. "Got a little too into it trying to impress her. EDI didn't really help by fanning my ego a bit." It felt good to be praised. "But she did talk a little bit about some stuff."

"Like?"

"You know, stuff little girls usually talk about. She talked about her stuffed toys, her dog, playing some old school board game." Joker chuckled. "Even told us she'd pop our virgin butts to the magic of Bunkers and Baddasses. Kid's got a really over active imagination."

"I guess nothing really useful that could help us identify her?" sighed Shepard.

"Sorry, commander," said Joker. "Can't really tell what's real or not if the kid can't tell them apart either. Maybe you can join us for that board game of hers and see if maybe you could piece things out better."

Shepard smiled. "Maybe next time, flight lieutenant. When the galaxy doesn't need saving."

"Hey, your loss," shrugged Joker. "Kids tend to have the best kinds of worlds for games like these."

* * *

Shepard sighed in relief once he sat back down on his chair back in his room on the Normandy. It had been pretty busy for him managing all the work he had to do in the Citadel. He hadn't had a single chance of respite since the moment they docked.

It wasn't all that bad, though.

He had managed to meet up with some old friends, secure some war assets for the fight against the Reapers, and even took out a troublemaking diplomat. Although, he couldn't really know for sure if his dealings with Aria would go down well in the future.

One of the last things on his to do list was making sure to take care of the people he's rescued. Thankfully, it didn't really take them that long before the Alliance stepped up and took care of things with Jack and her students. As poor as it seemed, having those kids fight in their war would help them greatly.

One of the last things to deal with though…

"Just who are you, Tina?" Shepard looked over the report he had compiled from the Spectre database.

He'd gone over all classified data from sources legal and illegal to find out about the little girl with them. Shadowbroker, Aria, Kasumi, and even Miranda—none of them had anything concrete. They had promised to keep searching, but it was looking pretty likely that there is nothing to be found. All across the known galaxy, there was no single piece of information about one human little girl.

He wondered how could that be. How can a little girl just pop into existence without a single trace in their galaxy? Information hardly stayed secret for long, especially with the sorts of people he'd asked from.

This would soon prove to be true.

A very important message soon arrived for him on his datapad.

 _Need to talk business. Also got something juicy for that weird little girlfriend of yours. Both of you come see me before it spoils._

 _-Aria_

The message was vague, but it was clear enough the Shepard what Aria meant. She's found something on Tina and she wants to meet with up as soon as possible. It's most likely very serious if Aria wants a face to face meet.

"No rest for the weary." Shepard called, "EDI?"

 _"_ _Yes, commander?"_ came the AI's disembodied reply.

"Tell Tina I'm taking her out to stretch her legs."

 _"_ _Shall I inform the rest of the crew?"_

"No need. It's just going to be us two." Shepard knew Aria meant only for the two of them to come. "We'll be safe enough here in the Citadel."

* * *

"So, how comes your friends ain't coming with us?" said Tina, skipping alongside Shepard.

She and the commander are both walking towards one of the Citadel's parking garages. Tina had thought she'd be taking in the sights, but it would seem that they were heading someplace more secluded.

"Well…" said Shepard. "We're going to meet someone I know that said she might know something about you."

"Reaaallly now?" Tina found that quite interesting. As far as she knew from what she got from EDI, there shouldn't be anyone here that knew her at all.

Surprise should have taken her like everyone else in her situation when she found out, but she just took it in stride and said, "Hope Enrique doesn't get too lonely. Puppy might break out if he does, and Lilith will probably be mad he ate some peoples again."

As the two walked on, they reached one of the parking garage's doorway. Beside it leaned an alien Tina had never seen before. She hadn't seen much other aliens besides the ones in the ship, since Shepard had steered them from the main areas.

"Now, these people we're about to meet," said Shepard. "They're a bit… rough. Try not to offend them when we meet."

"Ain't no need to worry," answered Tina. "Tiny Tina knows the drill."

Shepard didn't look like he believed her. Which turned out to be absolutely justified considering what happened next.

"DAAAYUM YOU UGLY!"

"Tina!"

The moment they came into contact with Aria's batarian bodyguard, Bray, Tina's mouth pretty much went on autopilot.

"You an alien, right?" Tina stared at the batarian's face. "'Cuz your face looks like a drunk Dr. Zed made a face transplant with your own butt."

The batarian growled menacingly.

"Shepard," he greeted, wrenching his glare off the little girl. "Aria's waiting. Follow—"

"Hey! Hey Shepard! Hey." Tina cut in.

"What, Tina?" sighed Shepard.

"What kind of alien is he?" She giggled. "Tell me. Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"I'm a batarian, you annoying little—!"

"A butt Aryan?" Tina tilted her head in thought. "Sounds about right, 'cept you've gotta be the brownest skinhead I have ever seen."

"Why you—!"

Shepard moved between him and Tina, stopping the raging butt face from getting any closer to her.

"Easy now, Bray," he said. "Aria specifically mentioned to bring her with me, and you know what will happen to you if you lay a hand on her." Bray looked significantly white enough to probably be half-Aryan now. "Speaking of which, we should probably get going now. We don't want to make her wait now, do we?"

Bray clicked his tongue, but opened the door to the parking garage anyway. The threat of what Aria would do to him had more than cleared his thoughts about getting called a butt-face by Tina.

"What did I just tell you?" Shepard said in a rather annoyed tone at Tina.

"Have you seen his _face_?" Tina said, her palms running over her own. "You cannot just see it and _not_ say anything!"

"I don't care what he or anyone else looks like," answered Shepard. "The point is that you don't want to insult the people we're going to meet with!"

"Alright, alright." Tina shrugged her shoulders. "No butthurting the aliens because it might hurt their feelings. Talk about sensitive much."

Entering through parking garage entryway, it didn't take them long before they saw an Asari and another butt Aryan standing on the far side of it. The Asari looked particularly meaner than the other guy. Which would really be something else when the guy also looked as ugly the first one, unlike her, who resonated as a cold beauty.

"Hoho… Damns you's hots…"

Shepard massaged his temple. "Is nothing I say worth listening to you?"

"What?" said Tina incredulously. "That wasn't no insult. Can't a girl compliment another girl without people judging?"

Aria snorted a laugh, much to the surprise of the men. She walked closer and leaned down to look Tina in the eyes.

"So this is the little human girl that's got Cerberus so worked up over." The smile on her face was faint but dangerous. "How very interesting."

"What?!" Shepard said in surprise. "Cerberus is looking for her? Why?"

"I don't really know the details." Aria stood straight and crossed her arms. "I was just as surprised as you when I first heard of it. Like you had asked, I tried to look into your little friend here. A whole lot of nothing came up, which did pique my interest quite a bit."

That was on par with what every single other sources Shepard has tried with.

"So what changed?"

"I happened to gain access to some Cerberus intel whilst I was making plans for taking back Omega," said Aria, her voice more frigid. "Guess who happened to be mentioned in that intel?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! I know!" Tina kept bouncing on her feet with her hand up. "Was it little ol' me? I betcha' it's me."

"You guessed right," nodded Aria. "Cerberus has made capturing you a priority." She frowned. "Enough of a priority that they are going out of their way from their usual plans to try to do so. I'm probably the first to know this, but I'm sure it wouldn't take long before other people find out as well." She looked over to the commander. "Like that Shadowbroker friend of yours, Shepard."

Shepard ignored the fact that Aria knew well enough about Liara and asked, "And you have no idea why they're trying to get her?"

"I've got a lot of ideas, Shepard. That's the problem."

"What could Cerberus possibly want with Tina?" Shepard's brow furrowed in thought. "We found her in Grissom Academy, but she's not really biotic. At least, that was what our ship's doctor had said when she examined her."

"Don't know what a biotic is," said Tina, "But I'm definitely psychoootiiic! It's what my friends tell me at least."

"Yeah, no questioning that."

"Shut it, Bray," said Aria icily.

The batarian gulped.

"That's right," agreed Tina. "Shut your butthole. The one in your face, if you didn't understand my meaning."

Bray fumed but kept his silence so as not to earn anymore ire from his boss.

Aria grabbed Tina's head and turned it to face her. "Tell me, kid, just what does Cerberus want with you?"

"IIIIII don't really know…" she answered. "Haven't really met them before."

"Cerberus wouldn't be looking so desperately for you if you weren't important," insisted Aria. "What makes you so special? Why do they want you?"

"Pffft, I dunno," Tina shrugged. "Maybe they got mad I blew one of their guy's head off and took their robot?"

"You what?!" Shepard hadn't asked her how _did_ she get into that atlas mech.

"Ruthless," continued Aria, still holding Tina's head in place, not letting her go and ignoring Shepard. "I like that. But that wasn't not enough to get their attention this badly. C'mon kid, you can't think of a good reason why the Illusive Man would want you?"

"The Illusive what now?" said Tina. "I got no clue who you talkin' about, gurl."

A loud sound came from outside the parking garage accompanied by a slight shudder. Everyone there knew what an explosion was.

"Someone's trying to get in!" shouted Bray.

The door had held firm since it was not like the other doors of the rest of the parking garage. That was because this location was one of the many meetup spots that Aria holds. The door was reinforced to withstand quite a bit of beating.

A sizzling sound can be heard, accompanied by a point in the door turning red from heat. Whoever it was outside, they were determined to get in.

"Who the hell thinks they can mess with me?!" shouted Aria.

"It's Cerberus!" Bray seemed to have just finished asking the same question over his coms. "They've locked this place down! We've got some of our men and C-Sec coming, but it will take them a few minutes to get here. Maybe even longer if Cerberus stalls them."

The door burst open with a blast. Cerberus agents came in firing at the occupants, sending all of them scattering for cover on the columns near them.

"Everyone alright?!" shouted Shepard over the gunfire, adding his own to the mix with a burst of his assault rifle.

"Better than my guy!" Bray hunkered down low. The batarian face down next to him had not been so lucky. The man had died instantly from several gunshots to his head. "Bastards are using military arms we smuggled ourselves!"

"Tina and Aria?"

"The brat is here." Bray pointed to Tina who was humming a beatboxing to the bang of the guns. "As for Aria," he snarled. "Bitch left us the moment they got through the door!"

The Cerberus troops intensified their fire on Shepard. He was the only one they really needed to focus on.

"You didn't carry a gun to this meet?" said Shepard. To which, Bray raised his heavy pistol, a slug smoking straight through its center. "Here, catch!" He tossed his own pistol over to the batarian. "I want that back when this is over!"

"I'll pay you double its price if we make it out of here alive!" Bray opened fire at the encroaching Cerberus troops, catching their attention, but at least easing the pressure on Shepard. "Triple if I don't get shot!"

Whilst the two were busy fighting for their lives, Tina was working on Bray's broken heavy pistol. She hummed while she worked, as if everything was fine and not raining gunfire over her head.

"This isn't good, Shepard!" Bray managed to hit one Cerberus agent square in the head. "Their running out of time, and that means so are we!"

Shepard understood what he meant. These Cerberus agents were making a forceful push towards them before C-Sec or Aria's backup arrive. There was only so much two men could do against a planned surprise attack like this.

Some biotic help would be really nice right about now. Shepard felt he can agree pretty well on Bray's view on Aria at that point.

"FIRE IN THEIR BUTTHOLES!"

Bray and Shepard saw Tina throw something towards the center of the Cerberus agents.

Nothing happened. The Cerberus agents only glanced at the item thrown briefly before continuing firing down at them.

"Get down, you crazy brat!" Bray pulled Tina back into their cover. "Did you just throw my gun?!"

"Well, it's not a gun now," said Tina, counting down on her fingers. "Gah! I'm bored! Why did I set the timer for ten seconds!"

"Throwing guns at people you want dead isn't going to work!"

Even Shepard couldn't spare the effort to stop comment about Tina's behavior.

"Clearly someone doesn't know the magic that is Tediore craftsmanship," Tina said with a roll of her eyes. "Anyways we've gots about 3 more seconds."

"Insane until the end, huh?" Bray looked like he's given up. "Might as well take a few down with me."

When he peaked over his cover and aimed down his sights, something detonated at the center of the Cerberus agents. It was his gun that Tina had thrown. A purple haze shockwave spread out from the point of detonation, covering a 15 feet radius.

"What in the world?" Shepard and Bray had both had their jaws slightly agape, staring at the floating Cerberus agents in front of them.

"Hold your applause and SHOOT, BITCHES! SHOOT!" screamed Tina at them.

Shepard and Bray opened fire at the helplessly levitating Cerberus agents. It was considerably easy, having their targets hung wide open for them to take shots at. There wasn't even any return fire since the agents were all dazed or knocked out from the concussive blast that accompanied Tina's bomb.

In ten seconds, almost all of the Cerberus agents were killed. Unfortunately, the effects of Tina's bomb wore off at that exact same time.

"Crap," said Bray, who had failed to shoot as much as Shepard did. He threw away the overheated thermal clip of his pistol. "Would've been better if you could've made it last a little longer."

"Ugh," said Tina. "Some people are never happy. Who said throwing guns at people didn't work just now? I'm an art-eest. Not a miracle worker. Rush jobs ain't my thang."

"Wanna throw this one?"

"Hey!" said Shepard.

"What? I said I was gonna pay for it!"

In another surprise for that day, a skycar had just floated into the parking garage from the opened up bottom. It had sped up quickly and rammed the few remaining Cerberus agents. The door opened on the driver's seat and out came Aria, putting a bullet through the stumbling agents and using her biotics to send one off into the opened bottom where she came from.

"Well…" She Double tapped a pinned agent at the hood of her skycar. "Looks like you guy did okay on your own for a little while. Get in the car. We're getting out of here."

"Ha! I knew you wouldn't leave us behind!"

Aria leveled her pistol on Bray's head and smiled. "Don't think I didn't hear you call me a bitch."

"I-I didn't mean it! I swear!" Bray raised his arms.

"Hmmph." Aria lowered her gun. "You're lucky the driver got killed. Otherwise you'd be the one on the floor right now. Get in the car and drive. We're not sticking around for C-sec or anymore Cerberus surprises."

No one needed to be told twice. Because Aria wouldn't ask them a second time.

"So, what exactly did you do there, twerp?" Aria asked Tina from the passenger seat. They were now safely away in the skyways of the Citadel. It would be a lot harder for Cerberus to move in on them now that C-sec are on full alert. "I saw that thing you threw. What the hell was that? It looked like a biotic pull."

"Oh, you know," said Tina, "I just made a bomb to clear things up. Things were getting a little too hot back there."

"You made a bomb out of my pistol?"

"Eyes on the road, Bray."

The batarian shut his mouth completely and focused only on the road. It would be wise for him not to say another word until they got to their destination.

"'Course I can," said Tina. "I am Pandora's bestest person at making things go BOOM." She spread her closed fists, imitating her favorite sound next to splat and kersplat, kaboom, and BoomPOW! "If you want to blow shit up, I can make ya's some fine ladies that'll do the job with a shakey-shake of their hips and a touch of their lips."

"Pandora?" Aria narrowed her eyes.

"'Tis a magical place, filled with rainbows, sunshine and unicorns…" Neither Shepard nor Aria have ever heard of it before. "A special place where people are free to think as they please, do as they please, and kill people for shits and giggles."

"Sounded pretty nice until that last part," said Shepard.

"Well, not like we kill everybody," shrugged Tina. "Mostly it's just bandits and peoples that we don't like. Hard to find good help if ya off every one you meet. But hey, at least we don't got no shortage of midgets to throw around, right? 'Dem shorties could fly, like, so high."

Aria looked questioningly at Shepard.

"She's a little delusional," said Shepard. "Our doctor had said that she has a 'special' way of seeing things."

"HEY! Don't talk about me like I'm cwazy!" Wasn't too convincing when Tina had her mouth stuffed with crumpets. "I'b got phull cweawance by bwoctor bed!"

"No eating in my car," said Aria, taking away the crumpets and throwing them out the window. "I hate crumbs." She wiped her hands clean with some cleaning gel. "Whatever. I don't care if you're crazy or not. My problem now is that Cerberus had seen you with me. Now I'm going to have to speed things up a bit."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Shepard.

"We're taking a ship to my fleet. And since you're the reason I have to rush things a bit, I'll have the great Commander Shepard help me out."

"Your fleet?"

"That's right," nodded Aria. "We're going to take back Omega."

* * *

 **A/N:**

 **It's been pretty slow going for the writing. I really have problems with writing in continuity. I should really learn how to fix that. It seems that I always have an easier time when writing unrelated things. I'm better at new stuff than following up on my stories.**

 **Anyways, I've been quite busy with gaming and stuffs. I'll be getting busier next year too.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I make no claims of owning Mass Effect or Borderlands, only the OC that appear in this fanfic. Don't sue me, I'm really poor.**

 **So it's been a while since this story was updated. I'm gonna advise you guys not to get your hopes up with this. I manage to actually piece together some of the stuff I've written since the last update, so you might notice that parts of the story seem to be narrated differently because of this. This story is still kind of a low priority for me. I'll just update it whenever I am able to write something.**

 **Also, the ending is kind of cliffhangery? Still, hope people like the story so far.**

* * *

Working for people like Aria T'Loak wasn't easy. Anyone could tell you that much. But unlike other people, Bray had worked for the asari for longer than most others. That was something of an accomplishment not many could speak of. Not that some of them _could_ even if they wanted to. He'd never known any other species to be so ruthless and cutthroat besides his own. That is until the day he met Aria.

"Hey?"

It was true that working for her hadn't been a breeze for the batarian. He could count with both hands how many times a month he'd been in a life or death situation thanks to following Aria's commands, but it was part of the job. And Aria always kept her word and paid well. Not many others in her position could do that. Well, do the same and live long enough anyway.

"Hey Bray?"

No matter the job, Bray had always followed her orders. He'd even done a suicide mission for her once. Even though more than half his team had died, he had stayed on with her even after the rest of them had quit, saying that they wanted to live long enough to be able actually use the money they earned. He had never considered quitting his job.

"Bray Bray, don't be so cray cray."

Bray sighed. Ten minutes. It hasn't even been ten minutes since they'd crashed, and he was already contemplating how to sign in his resignation letter. You would think survival should be a blessing. Now he was just thinking that maybe it would have been better to have just gone down with the ship. It would have been quick.

"Come on! Chop-chop! We gotta meet up with Shepard and Cold Hotness soon!"

The batarian gazed tiredly at the little girl in front of him.

"How did I get stuck with you?" he murmured to himself.

The question was redundant, since he knew full well how. General Petrovsky was not bluffing when he said he had Omega's defenses upgraded. And so, as the ship was going down and everyone began to grab every escape pod out of the ship, he just so happened to pick the one where Tina had gone to. He had wondered why that particular escape pod had so much room.

Well, now he knew.

Pulling up his map of Omega on his omni-tool, Bray could tell that they were severely far off course from where Aria's bunker was located. Aria and Shepard were the first to arrive there. Since Aria had launched her invasion earlier than expected, Cerberus forces hadn't had as much time to solidify their hold on Omega. With those two leading there, their troops were doing a spectacular job of taking back the station piece by piece.

The situation also seemed a little strange. It seemed like the Cerberus response had been rather weak compared to when they had first invaded the place. Almost like they weren't fully paying attention to them.

"At least we're probably safe here," he grunted.

Their ship had crashed near the bottom levels of Omega. Cerberus shouldn't have much presence there. It was doubtful they invaded Omega just to take over its mining operations. As long as they stayed out of sight and out of mind, maybe they'll make it all the way to the bunker without a single problem.

"YOAH! OILY-OILY TOO MUCH RAVIOLLI! ANY PEEPS HERE WANNA COME OUT AND PLAY?!"

Too bad, so sad.

"The hell do you think you're doing?!" the batarian demanded.

"What?" asked Tina. "I wanna ask for directions. You're supposed to ask somebody if you're lost, right?"

"Not when there are people who want us dead here!"

The sudden clank of metal immediately put Bray's thoughts of murder to the back of his mind. He'd already had his rifle up and pointed at the direction where the sound came from. It came from the just around the corner ahead of them. He moved forward cautiously. Once close, he had his gun up and scanning for potential targets, only to find… nothing.

"What do you think you're doing?" A pistol was leveled right next to the batarian's head. "I thought you were smarter than this, Bray? Really? Have you finally gotten tired of Aria so much that you'd prefer Cerberus to do you in?"

Bray lowered his gun slowly. He didn't know if he should be grateful or saying his prayers.

"…Nyreen. I didn't know you were back. Good to see you."

"Can't say the same to you."

Bray gulped.

"Hey, Bird-lady!" Tina stood to the side, arms crossed and frowning at the female Turian. "Watch'a doing with my escort? We gonna be late, you know?"

"…What's with the kid, Bray?" If Bray wasn't so sure if she would shoot him or not before, he could pretty much tell she was ready to now. He knew the turian had a soft spot for kids. "I don't see you as the fatherly kind, so you'd best give me a good answer. Otherwise, we're going to take a walk and have a little chat. Somewhere the kid can't see us."

"Easy, Nyreen. Not the bad guys here. At least not on this job. You can point that gun away."

"So… talk." Nyreen didn't seem intent on letting him out of her crosshairs.

"Short-stuff over there is with Commander Shepard. And I mean, _that_ Shepard. I'm just stuck babysitting for him because of all this mess. Aria herself told me to keep her safe."

"Hmmm… that so?" Nyreen mulled for a second before holstering her pistol. "You're not stupid enough to use Aria's name in a lie, so I suppose you're probably telling the truth. Now I have to wonder how Aria agreed to bringing a kid along to Omega of all places. Especially right now with Cerberus controlling it."

The batarian gave a relieved sigh. "You could ask her that when we meet up with them. She doesn't tell me anything I don't need to know."

"Same as ever then. Not surprised."

Nyreen Kandros. A female turian gifted with strong biotic abilities. Her biotics had caused the loyal and honest turian to separate from her duty to her home world and people of Palaven. She left and turned mercenary after finally arriving in Omega, becoming a close aide of Aria's until they parted ways due to some… disagreement with how Aria managed things.

"Not like you've changed either," said Bray. "Ever the do-gooder, huh? You know that kind of attitude won't get you anywhere here in Omega."

"You'd be surprised."

"Hey!" Tina hollered at them. They were surprised to see her holding an obscenely pink pistol pointing at Nyreen's head. "Does this mean I can't shoot her? She a friend of the stone-cold hot alien lady?"

"Stone-cold what?"

"She's a very good friend of the boss, yeah." Bray was quick to say so. It was true Nyreen had considered blowing his head off, but it was also true that she and Aria were close. Very close. The 'she's going to kill someone if anything happened to her' close. And the batarian did not want to be close if that happened. "Probably one of the only few she has."

"Knock it off, Bray." Nyreen slapped the batarian in the back of the head, though she didn't seem to be that mad. "That's a cute toy you got there, little one," she said kindly to Tina. "Sorry if I scared you there. Bray and I were just… getting reacquainted, so to speak."

"Hmmm…" Tina scrutinized her intensely before shrugging and putting her pink gun away. "I suppose you might not be a bad guy."

"Well, now that that's settled, we'll need to start moving. This place isn't safe."

As Nyreen led the way, Bray whispered to Tina, "Hey… is that thing real?"

"You mean this?" Tina held up her pink gun. "It's mah teapot. Perfect for tea partays and melting people's faces off. Does this look like a toy to you?"

Bray chose not to answer that question.

The group soon found an elevator that led to one of the higher levels of the mining area. With nowhere else to go, they decided it was there best choice at finding their way back to the known areas of Omega. Once there, they could easily find their way back towards where they needed to be.

Nyreen raised a non-existent eyebrow as she looked at the ceiling of the elevator.

"Did the mine elevators ever have music before?" she asked. The calming sounds of low-fi electro music filled the small elevator as it transported them upwards.

"It's a pretty slow ride up," answered Bray. "This thing is pretty old. Someone must've thought it would make the trip using it a little better."

"They couldn't have picked better music at least?"

"I kind of like it. Anyway, what were you doing down in the mining area? I didn't even know you were back in Omega."

Nyreen leaned against the cold metal wall of the elevator. "I never left. Just because Aria and I had a little disagreement doesn't mean I have to leg it to another system. As for why I tried to hide myself away from her… well, you know she won't leave me alone if she knew I was still here in Omega. I'd rather not deal with that."

"So why were you down there in the mines?" Bray asked.

"Had a little run in with some Cerberus troops that didn't go in my favor," sighed Nyreen. "Used one the old hidden pathways around Omega to try and get away from them. Unfortunately, it only came out one way since a large section of this part of Omega had been sealed away by Cerberus. Been trying to find a way out since and that's when I heard this little girl here shouting out."

Tina, who had been quietly munching on a crumpet, looked up at her and grinned. Nyreen had thought she was cute and rubbed her head.

"Coms are down here as well," she said. "This entire area is blacked out. You won't be hearing from Aria until we get out of here. Might be for the best. Knowing her, you'll likely get some scathing remarks about you not showing up than be glad to know that you're still alive."

"Wonderful," groaned Bray.

Once their elevator and the rather catchy music came to a stop, the doors opened to a dimly lit corridor to one of the upper levels of the mines of Omega. It was long, kind of dirty, and looked like it hadn't known the end of a mop in its life. It also looked those long corridors that people in horror movies go through where something might pop up and grab someone at any second.

"This is what happens when you stiff the janitorial staff of the station," Bray groaned.

"After this whole mess in the station, I doubt Aria would argue against giving them a big pay raise," said Nyreen. "Someone has to clean up the mess after all. She's got all the mercs in her pocket, but they won't be much help in that area. Aside from cleaning up Cerberus from the station that is."

"They can't even wipe their own ass properly."

The power went out suddenly, enveloping everything in darkness. A loud screeching sound echoed someplace down through the corridor followed by loud whispers. A few seconds later the dim lights came back on and everything was silent. Some of the lights now flickered in and out, possibly broken by the sudden power outage, making the ambience even more like that of horror nightmares.

"What was that?" Tina said excitedly.

"Adjutants," said Nyreen, a slight tone of fear in her voice. "One of Cerberus' pet projects that seemed to have gone out of their control. I don't know what they really are or how Cerberus made them, but they are monsters that can infect and turn other living beings into one of them. Cerberus only recently managed to contain them right before Aria attacked the station. We must be in one of the areas they locked down."

"Huh. So like a zombie?"

"Zombies that have armor, a barrier and can use biotics."

"Okaaaay, back down we go then." Bray kept pressing the down button on the elevator, but it remained unresponsive. He then resorted to slamming and pressing it faster while cursing. "Shit! Really?!"

"The power outage must've shorted it," said Nyreen. "Looks like we can't go back the way we came, so we're going to have to push forward." Arming herself with the rifle off her back, the turian moved into the corridor. "C'mon. If we wait around here, it'll be worse for us."

They proceeded down the long, creepy corridor cautiously, staying quiet as they did, which was somewhat surprising considering that Tina was with them. It was cold and fine particles of smoke seemed to make every step they take just a little bit more harder to see. Although, in what was rather to be an anticlimactic end, they reached the door that led to the main processing room without incident.

"Huh. I thought for sure something bad was gonna happen."

Bray opened the door to find themselves staring face to face at more than a dozen heavily armed Cerberus troops. Both groups froze in place for a few seconds at seeing each other unexpectedly.

"I knew I should have shot you earlier," sighed Nyreen.

* * *

"Have the men hold the perimeter on sections B through D. The engineers will be there once they've sealed off the retreat for our extermination squads. We need those extra troops to push back Aria's people and resecure the station."

In what had been Aria's former club and seat of power, Oleg Petrovsky, stood straight and calm as he issued orders to his men on the battlefield. The rest of his command chain and attendants were all busy as well in the now turned Cerberus war room of the Afterlife club. Communications came in from various parts of the station where intense battle for control were taking place.

"A lot more troublesome than I gave her credit for," he mumbled to himself. The General had not expected Aria to simply turn tail and cower. He was fully aware that the criminal asari overlord would seek to retake her throne. He just didn't expect she'd do it quite so soon.

Thanks to that, the Cerberus scientists weren't able to finish their experiments on controlling the reaper-based living weapons. In fact, they had been in the middle of a final push to finally fully contain the experimental failures that had taken over parts of the station when Aria's fleet had thrown everything into disarray. So now he had to contend with keeping the infectious weapons at bay whilst preventing Aria from kicking him and Cerberus off the station.

He chuckled slightly. It was rather impressive to him, in a way.

A blip on the command table indicated he was receiving a call from one of troops he'd assigned to contain the infestation.

"Have you and your troops finished containment, trooper?" he immediately asked after answering the call.

"General. We're just about close to wrapping things up when we've found possible Omega residents in the area. As with most of the others on the station, they are also found to be armed. What should we do with them, sir?"

General Petrovsky pulled up their location. He found it strange that there'd be any more residents down near the mines. That area was one of the first areas locked down.

"Escort them out of the quarantine areas for now," he said. "Your first priority is still to make sure that the experimental subjects are contained. We don't want to win the battle only for us to lose the war from our own mistake. We'll question them later."

The soldier nodded. "It shouldn't take us—"

The communications was momentarily shaken as General Petrovsky heard a piercing wail echoed through it.

"They broke through! They're coming down the vents! Oh god, there's more of—!"

The line went dead.

"Dammit!" General Petrovsky motioned for one of his aides. "Get communications back up to the containment squads. If that doesn't work, at least get us visuals so that we can see what's happening."

* * *

"Woo! Now it's a party!"

Shouting and gunshots drowned the room as the Cerberus troops fought the monstrosities that fell down upon them. There was at least two dozen of them, heavily armed and well trained. The adjutants didn't care and proceeded to throw themselves at them in a frenzy, screeching and wailing loudly.

"Tina, get down!" Nyreen took the bouncing girl from the open, settling themselves down an incline.

"Aw, c'mon!" Tina complained. "I wanna join in on the fun!"

A Cerberus trooper screamed as one of the adjutants grabbed hold of his leg and dragged him away. He'll likely experience something far worse than death. Thought it probably won't be as bad as some of the things that happen in Scooter's collection of tentacle monster porn.

…That boy ain't right.

"I didn't sign up for this!"

"Get a grip, Bray!" Nyreen slapped the panicking batarian beside her. "We're not done yet."

"Not done yet?" huffed Bray, a little unsteady by the heavy slap. "Have you seen those things?! They're gonna rip us apart once they're done with Cerberus!"

"They aren't invincible, Bray. Put enough rounds into it and they go down just like anything else."

"And how do you propose we do that? We're both unarmed! Damn Cerberus took our guns if you don't remember!"

An adjutant landed hard not far from them, sending a small tremor across the metal catwalk they were on. It grabbed one of the defending Cerberus troopers with one hand and screeched loudly right at his face.

"Bam! Bam!"

The adjutant fell down as two gunshots exploded green ooze right down its open gullet. An audible sizzle from the glowing green ooze indicated the extreme acidity that continued to eat through its head. This is why you should never open your mouth wide in a firefight. You never know when a bug or a corrosive round would go down into it. And with some of the bugs in Pandora… well, a corrosive round probably tastes better than some of them.

"Oh yeah!" Tina cheered. "I got one!"

Nyreen and Bray both stared confusedly at her, wondering how she still had a gun on her.

Nyreen looked back and forth between the downed adjutant and Tina's pink gun she was holding. The turian had thought it was a toy. How could she not? After all, she could easily recognize and label every single type of gun bought or sold anywhere. Having worked in Omega for a long time, it was not an uncommon skill to have. She was just now painfully aware of how close she was to having had her own head melted by Tina.

"Tina?" said Nyreen slowly. "Where did you pull that gun from?"

"Hmm?" Tina tilted her head, looking like a puzzled child. "It's my Teapot, of course. I always carry it with me!"

Nyreen directed her questioning gaze to Bray, who just shook his head to gesture that he had no fucking idea where it came from either.

The turian wondered how Cerberus missed that. Even if they had thought it was a toy, they would have definitely not taken any chances with it and confiscated the item. Then that would mean that Tina had some way of keeping it hidden.

"Tina?" Nyreen grabbed the little girl's attention once more, stopping her from shooting at the adjutants that were eating attacking the Cerberus troops. "Do you—Would you mind if I take that gun from you?" she said cautiously.

"What?!" Tina hugged her pink pistol. "No way! How am I supposed to serve tea without my Teapot?"

"Look, do you have a gun on you somewhere?!" Bray interjected, his multiple eyes shifting uneasily from Tina to the adjutants tearing through the Cerberus troops. "I don't care if it's pink or whatever. Just let me borrow it for a while."

"I don't have just a gun on me," scoffed Tina, dashing Bray's meek glimmer of hope. "I've got like a brazillion guns on me!"

"What…?"

Tiny Tina smiled widely. "Tell me whatchu want, brah. I can hook you up."

"What?"

"What kind of gun do you want?" repeated Tina. "I've gots pistols, shotties, rifles, SMGs, and rocket launchers that can send some horny honies flying anywhere you want. You want it shooting slags, fire, shock or what?"

"What?"

"Well, I don't actually have stuff that can shoot what," frowned Tina. "But I do got plenty of other stuff that can—"

A larger than normal adjutant that had been wrecking everywhere in its sight far from them seemed to have finally noticed the trio. It's eyes filled with the promise of horrible death locked solely with Bray's. The batarian felt more than a single ball of his drop. Rather than a screech like all the others, the adjutant gave what was more like a loud roar and proceeded to plough through the Cerberus troopers in its way, charging straight for him.

"Shotgun! Tina, I need a shotgun!"

"Hmm…" Tina was flicking her fingers through the air in front of her. "Any personal preference? You like it big or small? Hot red or navy blue? I think I got one that's sea green."

"I don't know!" said Bray, his heart racing as the creature drew closer and closer. "Blue! Get me a big blue one!"

"Oh, I lent Salvador that one. He hasn't given it back to me yet. I should ask for that next time I—"

"Just get me a shotgun, Tina! Anything is fine! So long as it can shoot!"

"Okay let me just scan you in first."

Bray's mouth was wide open as he stared at Tina poke at the air in front of him.

"Bray…" warned Nyreen.

The batarian saw that the adjutant was now only a dozen feet away from him, running towards him on all fours. He didn't know how, but he felt as if it was foaming at the mouth.

"Tinaaaaaaa!" he half-screamed in terror. The adjutant slammed a Cerberus guardian that was in its way with a single swing of its shoulder. "TINA!"

"Got it!" Tina stepped out of the way. "Here you go!"

Bray didn't have time to think about how the gun had just digistructed into the little girl's hands. As soon as Tina tossed the heavy thing in his arms he unloaded on the charging adjutant. With each shot a very wide spread of pellets slammed into the adjutants face, stopping it dead in its tracks. Unloading the entire shotgun into it had left it shredded into an unrecognizable pulp.

"Holy shit!" Bray stared frozen in place at the pulped adjutant, then at the shotgun in his hands. "What the fuck is this thing?!"

"It's just a regular quad barrel shotgun?" answered Tina. "Nothing too special but it does get the job done. I got a lot of 'em since the bandits like using 'em. They like their shotties widespread cuz they can't hit the broad side of a skag butt without them."

"A four barreled shotgun?!"

"Oh, here comes another one."

An adjutant dropped down from somewhere above them, landing right in front of Bray. It screeched loudly.

"Suck on this!" An audible click came from Bray's shotgun, signaling the universal sign of 'You get nothing!' and need to reload. "Ah, shit…"

Nyreen threw an overload at the adjutant before it could take a swipe at the batarian. Meanwhile, Bray was blowing the shotgun as fast as he could with his mouth. A veritable pro. A lot like the old games that required one to huff and puff before they would work.

Bray kept pulling the trigger, but only the click click sound of 'You're fucked' kept coming out.

"Why isn't it working?!" he shouted as he kept blowing the warm and hard piece of destructive rod. "Shouldn't it have cooled off by now?!"

"Well duh?" said Tina as she rolled her eyes at him. "It's out of ammo, stupid. You gotta reload."

"Reload?" Bray checked the underside of the gun. "There's no thermal clip on this thing! What the hell? This thing still uses gunpowder rounds?!"

Nyreen used her biotics to cast incinerate on the adjutant once the effects of her overload was wearing off. The adjutant screamed and flailed wildly on the spot as it had caught on fire.

"Anytime now, Bray!"

Once Bray figured out how to remove the ammo clip on the gun, he realized that he didn't have any ammo to replace it with.

Slamming the empty clip back to the gun he turned to Tina and said, "You got any ammo for this thing?"

"Of course I do!" Tina proudly stated. "I got a hundred times more bullets than guns, you know?"

"Then can you give me some so I can reload this thing?"

"Of course not!" Tina equally stated proudly.

"Why not?!"

"Cause that's a Tediore," Tina said, as if that was enough of an explanation. "Just throw it."

"Tina, I really need some ammo right now," begged Bray, backing away from the adjutant that was slowly flailing its fiery arms towards him. "Like, seriously! I need it right now!"

Tina tilted her head. "Then just throw it?"

Bray ducked as the adjutant swiped its long arms at his head. The fire finally went out, leaving a rather burnt and angry looking adjutant glaring death on him.

"Oh, shit…"

With no other choice Bray threw the shotgun in his hand at the adjutant with all his might. He and Nyreen were both surprised when the gun suddenly exploded on contact, blowing up the adjutant magnificently and scattering its gizzards all over the place.

"…What the hell?" said Nyreen.

"What the hell?!" Bray screamed as the shotgun reappeared in his arms in the way most guns in Pandora digistructed into reality. "What the fuck is this thing?!"

"It's a Tediore shotgun," answered Tina. "Calm down. It's not like it's gonna explode or anything. Well, not unless you throw it or drop it accidentally. It gives a bigger boom the more ammo it has left on the clip."

The shotgun suddenly felt a lot heavier now to the batarian. He saw what happened when he threw the empty one at the adjutant. He didn't want to know what would happen if it slipped from his hands and fell right on his feet.

Probably cause they killed three adjutants already, several more turned their attention towards them and were now closing in.

"I need a pistol, Tina." Nyreen held her hand out as she continued to watch the approaching adjutants. "Just give me whatever you think is good, but preferably something that can deal with barriers and armor."

"I gotchu fam." Tina handed her a blue and black checkered pistol that had a red barrel. "This'll mess 'em up real quick."

Nyreen didn't even bother checking it before she aimed the pistol at the closest adjutant. Once she pulled the trigger, a single round detonated in front of the adjutant, causing it to fall on its back. The turian blinked in blank surprise at the effect. The adjutant was hardy, though. It was already standing back up and screeched menacingly at her, it's barrier completely depleted and armor partially destroyed.

The shocked turian was quick to regain her composure. She fired another round at the downed adjutant, finally killing it with a satisfying explosive splat. Moving on to the rest, she rapidly shot round after round until all but one adjutant was left. Unfortunately, the familiar click of 'Nada' had also told her that she was out of ammo. She was quick to throw the pistol at the adjutant, hitting it squarely on its head.

The gun plopped down on the ground after hitting the creature, who stopped in its tracks looking confusedly at the gun and the turian. It wailed in complaint at Nyreen for having thrown something at its head, but was cut short when its head exploded and covered with green corrosive ooze.

"Hey, hey! What are you doing throwing my gun like that?!" Tiny Tina protested as she went to pick up the gun. She cradled it in her arms and cleaned it with a piece of cloth she took from her pocket. "This is one of Mr. Torgue's favorites! You can't just go treating my precious guns like that!"

"But I thought…?" Nyreen was confused, with Bray looking equally confused coming up next to her. "It was out of ammo."

"Then just reload," pouted Tina, unclipping the empty clip. After dropping the empty one, a fresh clip digistructed into her hand, which she used to reload the pistol. "There. Locked and loaded."

She handed the gun back to Nyreen.

"Don't go throwing it again," she warned. "That's not a Tediore you can just mess around with!"

Nyreen took the gun back, looking no less confused.

"You and I are going to have a long talk after this," she sighed in resignation. "Come on, you two. Let's get out of here. I think I figured out a way out of this mess."

And together the three peacefully left through the adjoining pipes near the catwalk, leaving the Cerberus agents to fend for themselves. Since Tina's group had taken down some of the adjutants, perhaps they would survive?

"Oh, god! There's more of them!"

Or perhaps not…

In the meantime, in another—galaxy…? Universe? Dimension? Ah, whatever. In a place occupied by idiots and imbeciles with a hard on for guns and mayhem and kicking up midgets like a football, another battle of similar proportion was taking place.

"Hey, hey, hey! Careful with those crates! Those are my precious merchandise you're moving around!"

"Well, you shouldn'ta left them just lyin' on the ground now, would'ya?"

Lilith could only sigh and shake her head as Scooter and Marcus got into another argument. A few days into the plan, and she already doubted the sanity of it all. She wondered how she ever got stuck being the de facto leader.

Oh right.

It's because Roland's dead.

"Scooter, just move your wheels over to end of the cargo hold. Ellie is already there with the rest of the equipment. Marcus, didn't I already tell you that you're supposed to have your crates stacked up with the rest of the supplies? I'm not paying for any of your damaged goods if they aren't strapped down by the time we leave."

"With Ellie? Aw, c'mon—"

"I'm sure we can work something—"

Lilith flared her siren powers, her eyes glowing like the fiery coals of Pandoran hell as the flaming wings on her back spread wide high up to the ceiling. As any good men with any sense of survival at all know, you do _not_ mess with a woman when she's like this. Especially when that woman is known to easily obliterate a man into scraps of charred BBQ.

"Ellie! Dear sister! Got's more stuff for ya!"

"Let me start moving these so it doesn't get in anybody's way!"

Both men were quick to stuff any complaints back in their pie holes. They moved swiftly and quickly out of Lilith's view, no doubt feeling the heat of her glare searing into their backs.

"Wow," Mordecai clapped as he approached. "Roland would be impressed. I didn't even think Marcus could move that fast unless it involved cash."

He'd just gotten back from the bridge. On his shoulder was Talon, almost as large now as Bloodwing had been.

"We haven't even left yet and I'm already breaking up fights left and right." Lilith calmed down a little when Mordercai tossed her a drink. "Thanks. I'm not sure this was such a good idea."

"What?" said Mordecai. "You don't want to rescue the crazy little princess?"

"Not that," Lilith shook her head. She gestured to the entire cargo bay where all sorts of people were packing and moving stuff for transport.

In a corner of the cargo hold, a makeshift ring stage had Brick and Krieg fighting in it with a small audience cheering them on, Mr. Torgue shouting and spitting on a mic announcing the bloody fight of muscles, fisticuffs and unicycles. Dr. Zed could be seen moving shiftily from between the audience, his hands stained with fresh blood trying to hide something that was trying to get out of one of his organ transport boxes.

"That," pointed Lilith flatly. "I thought this was supposed to be a simple rescue mission? Why on Pandora are we bringing all these people?!"

When people found out about the plans to jump into a whole other dimension… well, people are curious. People from Pandora are crazy and curious. It's why they all live in Pandora in the first place.

"Weren't you asking for volunteers?"

"No, I wasn't." Lilith frowned. "With all these people here, we might as well be stuffing explosive slag barrels on the ship (A few barrels did find its way aboard). This is going to be a disaster I just know it. How did everyone even know about it in the first place? I only said we'd be gone on a super-secret mission."

"Uhhh…" Unbeknownst to her, Moxxi had… interrogated Mordecai about it a couple nights back at her place. Just like how she had _interrogated_ him on their first honeymoon together.

Oh, that sweet, sweet torture…

"It might have been Axton. I saw him get shit-faced at Moxxi's bar the other night jabbering about all kinds of stuff."

"Oh, that sonova—wait till I get my hands on him later!" growled Lilith.

Now it wasn't nice of Mordecai to throw Axton under the bus like that, but it's a skag eat skag world out there. You save your own skin first if you want to bother saving someone else's. Besides, Axton still owed the hunter for all those drink vouchers he'd given him when he quit drinking.

It's not like Lilith would kill Axton anyway.

"He's going to wish he was dead after I'm done with him!"

See? _Wish_ he was dead! Not dead. Perfectly reasonable.

"Okay!" said Mordecai, trying to change topics. "Doctor Tannis said she's ready to brief you up on the science and stuff on what we're trying to do here. She's up on the bridge making calibrations or something. Honestly though, I'm more worried of the screws in her head than the screws on this ship."

"Let's just get this over with before anyone else shows up," sighed Lilith.

"Hey, it could be worse," shrugged Mordecai. "Claptrap could be coming with us."

Apparently, while everyone had their own reasons for coming along on this little trip of theirs, with every single one of them passing around the gossip of it to everyone they knew, not a single one of them had uttered a word of it to the beatboxing chatterbox of annoyance. After all, no one wanted to be stuck in a tin can in space with a smaller tin can that could challenge the meaning of "In space, no one can hear you scream."

"GREETINGS, MY MINIONS!" came the audio from the ship speaker systems.

There was a collective groan from everyone on the ship as they recognized the grating voice on their eardrums and nerves. That voice could only belong to one being of infinite displeasure and exasperation. A tin bucket of bolts that someone had the bright idea of putting a voice box into.

"I see you forgot to send me my invitation," continued Claptrap. "It must've gotten lost in the mail or something. Not to worry. I knew something like that might happen, so I bugged every single one of you in case you were all having a party without me! That way, I'll never ever miss a single gathering! Isn't that brilliant? Now we can all enjoy this road trip _together_. Or should I say space trip?! Cause, you know, where we're going we don't need roads! Get it? Cause it's space! There are no roads!"

Claptraps reverberating, nerve-scratching laughter echoed throughout the ship, meeting another round of collective groans from the people there. People were seriously reconsidering going on with the adventure. Most people would prefer the certainty of a slow, painful death rather than the torture of being with Claptrap on a ship for who knows how long.

"Well, unless there's a space road or something. Must of cost a lot of tax dollars to make one though." There was no clap in the robot's trap. He continued to ramble on about space roads, space taxes, and illegal aliens.

"…You better start running, Mordecai," said Lilith, her eyes once again glowing, much fiercer than before. "Since we're old friends, I'll give you till the count of three." Visible flames started heating up behind her.

Talon, a surprisingly smarter bird than its owner, squawked and flew off, leaving Mordecai like a soon to be steaming pile of hot slag, which he would no doubt be in a few more seconds. Mordecai scrambled on outta there, never once looking back. He could literally feel the heat at his back, so he didn't need to know if his friend was serious or not. Heck, he'd shoot himself in the back if it were him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I make no claims of owning Mass Effect or Borderlands, only the OC that appear in this fanfic. Don't sue me, I'm really poor.**

* * *

"You know, I was expecting a lot of things to happen when we came to retake Omega. Shooting. Killing. Explosions. Getting captured and/or tortured. Near deaths. Death. Maybe even me losing an eye or a limb. The usual stuff, you know?"

"And that hasn't happened yet?" said Nyreen.

"Well, aside from losing a body part," Bray shrugged. "Eh, there's still plenty of time for that."

"I don't remember you getting tortured on the way here?"

"You didn't spend the first half hour with the kid. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is—Hey! Stop pulling already! It's not gonna work!"

The vent creaked loudly as the batarian's body tried and failed to go through the opening, his legs swaying at the added weight of one crazy little girl using it as a swing. Bray's upper torso and arms remained stuck in place through the opening, whilst his lower part continued to dangle above the floor.

"Woah," said Tina. "He ain't budging at all."

"We already knew that 20 minutes ago!" the batarian angrily shouted, his shoulders throbbing from the tightness of his predicament and the continued efforts of one little girl trying to pull on him. "You don't have to check every 5 minutes!"

"Hey, just making sure." Tina took one last tug on his foot. "Hmm… I think that actually squeezed you in some more."

"You think?!" The batarian could feel it digging in to his shoulders. "Ugh! How the hell did this even happen?!"

Well, as the trio made their escape from the fighting adjutants and Cerberus troops, they used the large ventilation shafts situated all over the mining facility to reach the higher levels and, hopefully, reach the regular floors of the station. Unfortunately, while the vents were larger than normal due to industrial standards in mining facilities, they still weren't made with a person moving through them in mind.

"I think you're just too fat," said Tina.

"Really?! You really think it's because I'm too fat that I can't go down this stupid vent?!"

"Hmm…" Nyreen held her chin. "She does have a point, Bray. You do seem to have gained more weight since the last time I saw you."

"I-I did not!" Bray protested. The batarian didn't want them to know that he had been eating more desserts than usual ever since Aria kept sending him to buy some stuff from that new sweets place that opened near the club. "You're just imagining things!"

The battle for Omega continued to rage on whilst they were trying to figure out how to free their cookie-loving batarian, with a few tremors every now and again reaching down to all the way down where they were. Most likely from the heavy artillery and explosives being used by both sides trying to stake their claim on the station.

"Dammit!" Nyreen grabbed on to a pipe as a strong tremor occurred for a few brief seconds. "If they keep this up there won't be an Omega left to take over! Aria's going too far with this!"

The turian, wanting to speed things along, turned to Tina for a solution.

"Tina?"

"Wassup?" The little girl looked up from where she laid flat facing up on the ground since she didn't bother to steady herself during the tremor. "I'm just feeling the vibes here. Wanna join me?"

"Not right now. Do you have anything we could use to get him unstuck?"

"I got some bombs we could use?" she offered.

"No!" came Bray's immediate response. "No bombs! No acid! No nothing that will get me killed!"

"Well, it's not like you'll die if I—"

"NO!"

Tina pouted at his abject refusal, not that he could see anyway.

"It's not like we have a lot of options here, Bray." Nyreen slapped his dangling foot. "We don't have a bar of soap lying around we could use instead."

"Yeah," nodded Tina in agreement. "Lilith kept telling me to pack one, but I don't have room for that."

"Didn't you say you carried around like a shit ton of guns?" said Bray. "How do you not have enough room for soap?!"

"Hey, hey!" Tina snapped her fingers at him. "A bar of soap isn't gonna stop people from trying to kill little ol' mwah. Well, maybe it would stop some Psychos, since some of them are really allergic to proper hygience. But still, a girl's gotta have her priorities right, you know?"

"You literally just told us earlier you had enough guns and explosives stored away to arm a whole army!"

"And it would be an army minus one if I had to bring a bar of soap."

The stuck batarian leaned his head back in exasperation.

"Just leave me here," he said in resignation. "It's not so bad here. The vents are reasonably clean, cool air flowing nicely, and I can put my feet up and just relax. I could probably stay like this here until all the fighting is done." He didn't say he also wouldn't have to put up with Tina… and he was actually starting to like his idea. "Yeah, yeah. I can even play some tunes on my music list while I wait. Catch up on some audiobooks I've been meaning to get to. I could use a little break."

The loud screech of an adjutant reverberated through the vent.

"…I think that break of yours is going to become a long and permanent one," said Nyreen.

"Fuck!" Bray proceeded to squirm and struggle against the small opening he was in but still would not budge an inch. "Pull me out! Quick!"

"Oh, so now you want me to pull on you?" said Tina saracastically.

"Yes!"

"You're just saying that cuz a big, ugly, and terrifying monster is about come and eat your face."

"Obviously!"

"Grab his other leg, Tina!" Nyreen said as she grabbed onto the other. "Alright. One, two, three—Pull!"

"Hnnngh!" Bray made a funny sound as the two tried to forcefully pull his cookie engorged body down.

"Oh, damn!"

Tina and Nyreen backed away, their hands swishing through the volatile air coming from the batarian's buttocks.

"What did you eat, homie?" Tina scrunched her nose at the smell. "That was nasty."

"Is this really the time for this?!" Bray shouted, slightly red from his continually squeezed circulation and embarrassment. "I'm about to get my face eaten here!"

"Would be an improvement."

Before Bray could retort, a large clang sounded as something hit the vent from somewhere in front of him. The batarian saw an adjutant that had fallen face first into the vent floor. It lifted its face up slowly, the glowing blue eyes and mouth smoking and haunting as it stared at him. It screeched, then proceeded to crawl on all fours towards him.

Bray screamed like a little girl.

As its clawed and malformed hand was about to grab his head, a bright red light pierced through the vent between them and sliced off the monstrosity's hand before moving closer towards it and cutting its body in half, leaving the sectioned parts smoldering in small flames.

Bray stared dumbfounded at what happened. He turned his head to look behind him as the laser reappeared and traced a circle around him. Once the laser reached a full circle, he felt the vent give, dropping him hard to the floor.

"…Ow, my face…" he grumbled after, like the adjutant before him, had face planted upon falling.

"Still ugly."

The batarian glared at Tina.

"At least it didn't get eaten, Bray." Nyreen stood to the side carrying the laser weapon Tina had given her, its barrel cooling after the red hot laser action. "A lot healthier than the alternative."

"Yup," nodded Tina. "Who knows where that face of yours has been? That monster could have gotten a bad tummy ache."

"Haha…" Bray stumbled back on his feet and dusted himself off. "Both of you are hilarious. Let's just get out of here before anything else comes out. At least if I get back to Aria I'll know what to expect when she decides to kill me."

"She'll like that compliment," smiled Nyreen.

Bray rolled his eyes. "I bet she would."

* * *

"If Cerberus hasn't killed him off yet, I'm going to put a bullet in Bray's head for missing the rendezvous."

"Isn't that a little too much?"

Shepard and Aria stood by the holographic map table of Omega station. Men and women of Aria's mercenary army worked tirelessly in the background providing support, intel, and instructions to the men at the front of the battlefield all over the station, with a few moving furniture, weapons and supplies to other parts of the command bunker.

"I agree, Shepard," said Aria. "Call me soft, but he's been with me for a long time now. I know I usually do worse. However, his continued loyalty deserves this much at least."

"That wasn't what I meant…"

A communication from the frontlines came in. Aria took the call. After a few brief exchanges, the cold blooded but still hot asari crime lord was momentarily silent. Aria issued some commands before cutting off the connection.

"It looks like you'll soon regain control of Omega?" Shepard heard the exchange. Cerberus was quickly giving up ground they were holding hard to defend before. Aria's men were quickly taking back strategically important areas all over the station. "So why don't you look happy about it?"

"Because this is too easy, Shepard." The asari gripped tightly onto the edge of the holotable. "And you know as well as I do that things are never this easy. Petrovsky is up to something. And I don't like it. There's something going on that we don't know."

"Do you think it's a trap?"

"It's the first thing that comes to mind, yes," said Aria, however, she shook her head. "Not this time, though. They're pulling back too quickly. They aren't giving themselves enough time or making attempts to even conceal plans about a trap in the works. At the way things are going, they won't even have a chance to take back the station even if they managed to win somehow. They've lost too much ground."

Shepard nodded his agreement. "Which means they're no longer planning on holding the station. Do you think that they might be planning to deny you victory?"

"Ha!" Aria snorted a laugh. "Blow up the station? If that's their plan I'll admit they've got balls. But no. They're not abandoning the station. At least not right now. Even if they are extreme in their ideals, Cerberus aren't the kind of people that would kill themselves over a fight like this."

Aria pulled up a holographic 3D map of the station. Red and green dots indicating enemy and friendly troops were concentrated in various areas of it. She zoomed in on the lower central part of station, where most of it was completely darkened.

"For some reason, Petrovsky is pulling his troops back towards the mines. What little information I received is that they are now concentrating their defenses in those areas. Mining is a good source of revenue for Omega, but it's not something that would yield immediate income. Aside from quarantining and shutting down most of it, Cerberus had mostly ignored that part of the station since they took over, so I don't understand why they'd be so interested in that place now. It just doesn't make sense."

"Hang on…" Shepard reached out to the 3D map and zoomed in at a point. "It looks like they're focusing their troops into these parts of the mining facility. Weren't those the ones they quarantined? Why did they quarantine them in the first place?"

"We don't know." Aria looked frustrated. "They moved a lot of people out of those areas, and the ones that were left have gone completely dark. They had some troops guarding those areas before but it was more of a light presence. It's not an integral location for retaking Omega, so I put those places at the lowest priority. Basically, those were the last places we'd clean up after taking care of the other Cerberus troops in other more vital locations."

Shepard continued to gaze intensely at the map.

"…Do you happen to know the exact location of where Bray and Tina landed?" he asked.

"I was told that they landed someplace far off from us—Damn!"

Shepard nodded as Aria got to the same conclusion he did.

"Didn't you say that Cerberus was interested in Tina? We haven't been able to contact them at all since the fighting began. That means they probably landed somewhere where communications are cut off."

"Or they're dead," Aria bluntly stated. She, however, put up the last known trajectory of the escape pods from their destroyed ship on the table. One by one, she removed all the pods that were accounted for or destroyed, until only a single one was left. "That's them. It looks like they landed—"

"Just below the mining area," finished Shepard. "Right smack in the middle of one of the larger quarantine zone."

"And close to where Petrovsky is funneling his troops to," added Aria.

"I need to get out there." Shepard turned to leave.

"Not alone." Aria joined him.

"Can't say I don't need the help, but what about Omega? Aren't you close to winning? Shouldn't you be here to finish things up?"

"With the way things are going, Omega is as good as mine again, Shepard." Aria started grabbing and prepping her gear she stowed beside the table. "And this is finishing up. I got a feeling that I won't win the war if I left Cerberus alone down there. And with Petrovsky moving to the same place, I want to be there to meet him. Whatever plans he has, I'm not going to allow them to happen. Not on my station."

"Let's get moving then," nodded Shepard. "I'm worried about Tina."

"She's a tough kid. She'll be fine." Aria checked her personal pistol before holstering it. "And she's got Bray with her. He knows that I want that kid safe and sound. And if she isn't… well, he's going to find me very _disappointed_ with him."

Squads of her troops waited for them at the front of the bunker. Asari, vorcha, turians, and some krogans all assembled into their mixed groups checking their gear and weapons. As soon as Shepard and Aria appeared, all of them focused their attention on the two.

"Listen up!" commanded Aria. "Cerberus is on the run. We've got them cornered. However, they don't seem to think that way. They don't even think this station matters anymore." She raised her fist, pulsing in purple biotic power, then smacked a metal supply crate hard into the nearby wall. "I don't like that. And I'm guessing no one here does too. Not after how they ran us off in the first place. Now, let's show them how wrong they are!"

Her speech was met with fervent cheers, raised guns, and a few trigger happy pulls at the ceiling. If Cerberus wanted to play this game with Aria, they should know that she plays for keeps.

* * *

"You know what? I'm starting to think we lost, peeps."

"You don't say?" Bray rolled his multiple eyes. He scanned the room with the quad-barreled shotgun in his hands, checking to see for things that would eat his ugly butt face. "Where are we, Nyreen?"

"This part of the mines had been closed off even before Cerberus took over Omega." Nyreen tapped on her omni-tool and pulled up a holoschematic of Omega. "Doesn't seem like anyone bothered to have updated the layout after a decade or so. I'm not entirely sure, but I think we're in an old dormitory for the miners, back . They must have abandoned this part after they moved closer down to where the veins are."

Nyreen went to a panel beside them. She opened it up, used her omni-tool on it, then the lights flickered back to life in the dorm.

"This place should be connected to a main access point," she said. "They may have sealed it off, but if we can find it, we just might be able to find our way back to the regular floors of Omega."

"Awesome!" cheered Tina. "I'm getting tired of all this walking. Tiny Tina needs some crumbly snackage and a power nap."

"Hang on, kid." Nyreen grabbed her before she could run off. "We have to clear the place before we go rummaging around here. Who knows if one of those things made its way down here."

"She's right," agreed Bray. "You don't wanna be the snack before you get one. Just stay close and we can get this over with quickly. If you behave, I promise to treat you to some cookies after we get Omega sorted out."

"…What kind of cookies?"

"The good ones, of course?"

"Chocolate chip?"

Bray snorted. "Obviously."

"Hoho…" Tina beamed a smile at the batarian. "You just went up a few pegs up the ladder in my books, Cray-cray."

"Thanks?" Bray wasn't sure if that was good or not. He shrugged and probably thought it was fine.

After spending some time making sure that the dorm was empty of hostiles, the trio settled down in what had probably been the mess hall. It was a fairly large room with benches and tables, empty and slightly dusty, with a few scattered plates and utensils still in place. Though it was barren of food for quite some time now, they were still able to find the water dispensers working in good condition.

Taking a little water break, the three sat down one of the many empty tables of the mess hall.

"So, Tina?" said Nyreen. "Just who are you exactly?"

"Tina's Tina, of course?" replied the little girl. "Ain't nobody else gots my fine skills with the same name. Well, 'cept that scythid that Brick once thought was me when he and Mordy got reeeeaaally drunk that one time."

"What's a scythid?"

"Some fleshy, wormy, insect thingy that leeches the life out of people."

"I could see the resemblance," muttered Bray quietly as he took a sip of his water.

"I'm not entirely sure I've heard of something like that before." Nyreen was curious. "Can you tell me where you're from? Maybe it will help if I knew where it was from. I know quite a fair bit of some of the human territories, since a lot of smuggling goes through Omega."

Tiny Tina told them of Pandora and her… diverse indigenous population of dangerous animals and midgets. Bray had pretty much tuned her out after several minutes of her describing the ever-changing landscape of Pandora that changed from snowy climates, hellfire pits, green acidic seas, and other colorful yet crazy environment present on a single planet. Nyreen, however, kept listening intently to every word.

"…This is the first time I've heard of any of these." Nyreen looked to be seriously contemplating Tina's words. "What about you, Bray?"

"You can't be serious?" asked the batarian. "You really believe all of that? Kid's crazy. I don't think there's a single planet in the galaxy that matches up with her imaginary one."

"The weapons she has are real enough," pointed out Nyreen.

"Well, maybe they aren't real?" said Bray slowly.

"…What?"

"Maybe… maybe this is all imaginary?" He stood up, his eyes seemingly looking far away. "Guns don't explode when you throw them or magically reappear in your hands afterwards. There are no actual working laser weapons. No Cerberus abominations that are hiding in every corner that are lying in wait to eat my face off. And I didn't get rejected by that cute girl at the coffee shop in the Citadel. Maybe I'm still sleeping in my bed, hung over from binge watching the Interplanetary Geographic Channel? Maybe this is all just a dream? A lucid, sugar-induced dream…"

"And people think I'm crazy," whispered Tina to Nyreen. She winded her arm, then threw her empty cup at Bray's head.

"Still think this is all a dream?" chuckled Nyreen.

"More like a nightmare," the batarian grumbled as he rubbed the sore spot on his noggin.

"It's not so bad," said Tina cheerfully.

Something creaked above them, a small metallic sound that clanked in the ceiling. Soon, it was followed by a few more. Then, like the pitter patter of rainfall, increasingly more of the same sounds came. Screeching echoed and seemed to be coming closer and closer.

"Okay," said Tina as they all stared above them. "Yeah, this is pretty bad."


	5. Chapter 5

"Run! Runrunrunrunrun!"

Tina and her two companions ran as fast as their legs could go, making a mad dash through the catwalk away from the clamoring noise of murderous abominations that trailed behind them, with Both Bray and Nyreen constantly shooting at their backs without looking or slowing down. It didn't matter how many adjutants they killed when a literal flood of them came after them.

They came to a stop at the end of the catwalk. A single ladder led upwards through a chute.

"Where does this go?!" asked Bray as he fired down at the adjutants behind them.

"I'm not sure…" Nyreen fiddled with the map on her omni-tool. "It's not on the blueprints. Must have been added after this place closed down."

"It goes anywhere but here!" Tina proceeded to climb up the ladder quickly.

"I'm good with that!" said Bray.

They went up through the ladder, Tiny Tina taking the lead. At the end of it, there was an open hatch that led to a large room that was lit in amber light. As Bray stumbled on through, Tina walked toward the hatch with a bundle of love in her arms. She dumped all of it down the hatch.

"Sayonara, butt-uglies!"

Tiny Tina waved goodbye at the screaming faces of adjutants just before she shut the hatch with a twist of the lock. After three seconds, a muted boom sounded, followed by even louder and more frequent booms that continued like fireworks for a good minute. As the chorus of booms died down, silence followed.

"Well, I think that handles that." Tina clapped her hands clean.

Something pounded on the solid steel hatch with a slam. Numerous screeching and scratching could be heard from underneath it. The adjutants seemed to be even more maddened than before.

"I don't think they liked that."

"You think, Bray?" Nyreen opened up her holomap. "It looks like we're near an old mining furnace. If we move ahead we should arrive at a junction that could lead us out of here."

With the continued pounding coming from the steel hatch, no one argued. They ran rapidly on the steel platform they were on. Soon, they found themselves in an open and dead mining furnace, old and large equipment that used to process mined ores were underneath and overhead.

A wide control room lay ahead, steel platform bridges connecting to the left and to the right aside from the one they had came from. Unfortunately, the bridges were retracted on each sides, leaving them nowhere to go but back.

Nyreen had routed the power system back on with her omni-tool, light sputtering back to life in the abandoned room.

"Which way do we go?" asked Bray.

"It doesn't matter." Nyreen tapped on her omni-tool with total concentration. Her eyes and fingers worked rapidly through the information she sifted through. "Both leads towards the upper levels at different points. We should be fine in taking either one."

At this time, they noticed that there were a few adjutants hanging around the massive furnace, hanging over the ceilings and screeching after the lights had turned on. They weren't swarming them at the moment, but they would need to fight them going either way. It wouldn't be hard with the small number of them right now, but once the ones behind them arrived, it would certainly be a lot harder.

"I say we go left!" Tina said jumping, arm raised.

"Why?" said Bray.

"Cause it's all we have left!" she giggled.

Bray rolled his eyes. "Put the bridge down on the right."

A loud rumble came from the sealed heavy doors on the right platform. The doors opened up, and then, Cerberus troops came out, clearing and securing the platform as more and more of them arrived. They were accompanied by several heavy mechs and dozens of drones. They were quickly cutting down the adjutants from their side.

Walking through the doors with a stern and prideful look, General Petrovsky arrived with heavily armed guards at his side. The general scanned the surroundings, his gaze swept through the old furnace until it stopped exactly at the control room. There was a moment of pause as he and the occupants of the room stared at one another.

The general pointed his finger at them and seemed to shout at his men.

"Left it is then!" shouted Bray.

Suddenly, the sealed heavy doors on the left platform similarly opened. A collection of deadly and armed mercenaries poured through. A few adjutants dropped down from the ceilings above them, however, the elite asari mercenaries that came through made quick work of them, throwing and holding them with their biotics before peppering them with accurate shots from their guns.

A single adjutant managed to land alive, but it was covered in a purple haze, frozen in place. A single asari strutted toward it. Her hand glowed bright purple, then she slammed it on the adjutant, sending the creature flying out of the platform, actually hitting the far off walls before falling high above the old smelting pits.

"Aria…" said Nyreen. "She doesn't look too happy."

That was an understatement. The asari criminal boss dug her heel into an adjutant that was injured on the floor. She then kicked it so hard that the adjutant flew over the platform as well. Even from way over where they were, the murderous glare in her eyes could be clearly seen.

Her eyes had locked onto them, same as Petrovsky did. She opened her mouth and seemed to shout. They could not hear her from where they were, but Bray made a small whimper. Even though her voice shouldn't have carried that far to them, even with all the noise and gunfire, the batarian seemed to hear the sound of his name being called in a vicious tone.

"Maybe we missed another exit somewhere in the back?" he asked pleadingly.

The metal doors from where they came from broke open. The adjutants screeched and screamed in chorus as they filtered through it, piling themselves over as they surged forward like an oncoming tidal wave ready to wipe everything out.

Fortunately or unfortunately, all the other sides were separated from the control room where they were. Nyreen had retracted the bridge behind them so the adjutants wouldn't be able to get to them so easily. She had also restarted the operations of the furnace, quickly turning the entire room into a giant bed of heat as the left over dark and cool metal ores below them turned and glowed into fiery red hot slags of molten metal. The adjutants crawling below steamed and screamed as they sank down and became one with the pile of metal shit, staining it with their bluish blood. Now they didn't have to worry too much about them coming at them from underneath. They just had to worry about the ones that were crawling above them in the ceilings.

"I need a machine gun, Tina," said Bray as he eyed the many, many adjutants crawling towards them. "Something that sprays and makes 'em pray."

Contrary to his expectation of something unique and high-tech looking, Tina pulled out a multi-long piped gun that looked like it came from a derelict oil rig. The gun seemed to be coated in rust and looked to be cobbled together of different parts.

"I give you, the CHOPPER!" she said as she dumped the tetanus armament in his hands.

"…You've got to be kidding me."

"Ah, Ah! Don't judge a gun by it's paint job!" Tina wagged her finger at him. "This baby might be bandit made, but it can get a lot done even with its mileage. I've souped it up since Brick salvaged it from some big skaag that ate it. You want more ammo? This thing's got loads of it. You want faster bullets? This thing is a lead hose, homie! You want accuracy? Pfft. Who needs it?"

"While I may not be the best shot in the galaxy, I'd like to think I could still aim, Tina."

"You really think you're gonna need accuracy right now?"

Tina gestured to the horde of adjutants making their way towards them.

"Point taken."

Hefting the surprisingly light machine gun in his arms, the batarian took careful aim at the roving mad abominations above them. He sighted at their center where they were massed. Bray was still skeptical of the weapon Tina gave him. At the very least, it kind of looked functional. Like, barely. His brow knotted when he saw that a piece of duct tape was slightly coming off and blocking the reticle.

"We are so dead," he sighed, sticking the tape down with his thumb. He aimed carefully at one particular adjutant that he designated as his target.

The moment his finger touched the trigger, the gun fired. For one second, it hailed lead death at the area of adjutants. Scores of them fell down as their bodies had been torn to shred by a sheer wall of bullets that hit them. Well, except for that one adjutant that he had actually been aiming for. It hung there in apparent confusion as all its friends around it got shredded in almost an instant.

Bray had let go of the trigger by the recoil of it. His eyes switched from the dead adjutants to the spinning barrel of the gun in his hands.

"Well, shit!" he said, all smiles now. "It ain't pretty but hell does it get the job done. How fast is the fire rate on this thing? I blinked."

"About six thousand," answered Tina.

"Six thousand rounds per minute. Not bad."

Tina laughed. "Try six thousand per second!"

Bray and Nyreen gawked at the crazy kid.

"Problem is it eats up ammo like a Brick through casserole. I can only get it to last about five seconds before you need to reload it. Good thing I've got enough ammo for it, and then some. Now, aren't you glad I didn't take that bar of soap with me?"

Bray wanted to retort to that, but the adjutants weren't going to wait for them. It wasn't long, but for five seconds—five glorious bullet-spraying seconds—he felt like a god. Waves of adjutants fell from the heavens wherever he aimed. The sound of his gunfire was like a lullaby to his ears, and he fell into a lull and a rhythm of reloading every five seconds. The gun didn't overheat like his usual guns. It didn't care if it spewed out thousands upon thousands of rounds. It didn't care if there were still enemies after it sang. Nor the fact that six thousand rounds could fit in an ammo clip.

So the batarian didn't either.

Any adjutants that didn't get blown away and managed to actually land on the control room platform were dealt with by Nyreen. The turian still had the pistol Tina gave her and made quick work of them. Honestly, on the side of Aria and Petrovsky, though they were also getting attacked by the adjutants, the people there couldn't help but point and stare as the rumble and tumble of bullets tore through in sizable chunks of adjutants.

Gradually, the tide of adjutants began to die down. Literally.

With the combined forces of Cerberus and Aria's mercs, the threat of the abominable horrors disappeared. However, everything was still tense. Both forces had converged on the furnace control center.

Which meant the three hunkered down inside were sandwiched between the two opposing forces.

It wasn't an ideal place to be.

"Shouldn't we be dropping the bridge for Aria?" said Bray.

"I've been trying but it looks like Cerberus hacked my controls from their side." Nyreen looked frustrated as she cursed at her omni-tool. "Dammit! They've locked me out."

"Bray! Why aren't you down here?!"

One of the holoscreens powered on, a very irate and familiar looking asari face was on it. Bray whimpered pathetically under the glare of his boss.

"Nice to see you too, Aria."

"Nyreen…?" Aria lost her rage to confusion for a moment, but only for a moment. "Why are you—Nevermind. You can explain yourself once you drop down the bridge. We'll handle things with Cerberus first."

"Hi, hot mama!" Tina plopped her head over the screen, waving at her. "Got my ride with ya?"

"Tina?" Commander Shepard appeared right next to Aria. "Are you alright?"

"Yup yup. Got chased by a whole lotta baddies and stuff, but was really fun. Ran out of crumpets, though. Did you bring some with you? All that running really made me hungry."

"I'm sure they have some back in Aria's bunker." Shepard turned to Nyreen. "Can you lower the bridge?"

"We can't," said Nyreen. "I've been locked out of the system by—"

"It appears that today is full of surprises." General Petrovsky appeared on another holo-screen to the left of the console. The leader of the Cerberus forces in Omega smiled at them. "Once again, I've underestimated the tenacity of my opponent. I suppose I should commend you for it."

"Petrovsky." Aria snarled. "You should know when you've been beaten. My forces have almost all of Omega back in my hands. Give up, and I might actually show you some mercy. Maybe."

The general snorted. "As always, your confidence in yourself borders on your sense of ego. Commander Shepard. I request a chance to meet face to face. There is a delicate matter that I wish to discuss with you. If you comply, then I swear upon my word that I and my forces will leave Omega peacefully. No more lives need to be shed this day."

"If you think for one second that I—!"

"Aria." Commander Shepard held the asari back. "You said that you would follow my lead on this mission. If we adhere to his request, you'll get Omega back just as you wanted. Isn't that what's important?"

"I wanted Omega back with Petrovsky's head on a stake," growled Aria.

"Aria," interrupted Nyreen. "This is a chance to solve things without sacrificing anymore innocent people. I think the people of Omega has had enough already. Please, listen to reason."

Aria remained silent as she glared at Petrovsky on the screen.

In a few minutes both bridges were lowered down.

* * *

The control room was relatively modest in size. It was designed to comfortably house two operators that would manage the whole facility with simple controls for all automated machinery in the furnace.

It was not designed to be a place for people to meet and discuss terms of the future and lives of Omega.

Currently, eight people were inside the now rather cramped room, with the added hostility in the air adding already difficult and tense atmosphere.

"Can we turn up the AC in here? It's getting a little too hot."

Tiny Tina seemed to be the only one who didn't seem too bothered by it. After Aria and Shepard arrived, they went beside them to face off against the head of the Cerberus forces in Omega, General Oleg Petrovsky, who was accompanied by two of his elite Cerberus troops.

"So, we meet face to face, General," said Shepard, keeping a wary eye on the man and his guards. "What did you want to talk about?"

"The conditions of your surrender would be a good start," snorted Aria.

The general chuckled. "I said we would allow you to have Omega. Surrendering for us is not on the table."

"I'll settle for your dead—"

Shepard shot Aria a look to keep her quiet, earning a dissatisfied snarl from the asari.

"Then what is it you wanted to discuss, then?" Shepard continued.

"A proposition." The general walked towards the wide viewing window of the control room. The glow of the furnace made it easy to spot the countless dead bodies of adjutants scattered all over. "What would you say to having Cerberus permanently removed from your side?"

"Removed?"

"It would certainly benefit your activities in winning the war against the reapers, not having to worry about them sabotaging your plans every step of the way."

"Wait…" Aria couldn't keep quiet any longer. "Are you… Are you actually saying your willing to sell out Cerberus?"

The general turned. "I can give you information. Details. Every single operation, camp, headquarters and major projects that I have access to. With it, you'll be able to cripple the organization's power and control over all the systems."

"Why?" Shepard kept a straight face, but it was hard to contain the confusion in his voice. "Why would you do this? You're one of the highest men in the organization. What would you gain from destroying it?"

"I did not say I would give this to you for free," said Petrovsky. He pointed to Tina. "Hand over that stray you picked up from the academy, and I will give you all that I promised right here and now."

"Tina?" Shepard glanced at the little girl who just noticed that everyone had turned to her just as she had taken apart one of the consoles. She smiled and hurriedly pushed all the parts she extracted back into it before slapping it down.

Commander Shepard had a hard time imagining why the general wanted her that badly. He'd seen the strangeness and brilliance of the crazy little mad engineer. It was suffice to say that she may possess knowledge that could revolutionize their current technology. But Shepard didn't think it was something that would be worth the price for Petrovsky to abandon and sell out Cerberus.

"The fate of this galaxy for one little girl," said Petrovsky. "It's not a bad trade, wouldn't you say?"

"I feel oh-so-important right now." Tina crossed her arms while looking smug. "I'm really moving on up the NPC ladder chain this time. Can't wait to tell Lilith. Will blow her miiiind~!"

"You're crazy."

"I told you I'm not."

"I'm talking to the general, Tina," said Shepard. "Not you."

"Oh, yeah. Right. I'mma just gonna scoot on back a bit and let you do your thang then."

"I didn't think the great Commander Shepard would hastily disagree to such a favorable deal," said Petrovsky.

"I'm not." Shepard stayed cool. "I just don't think this deal is as favorable as you're making it out to be. Why is Tina so important to you and the Illusive Man? The fact that you're willing to betray him for her just doesn't make much sense to me."

General Petrovsky scoffed. "The Illusive Man has lost sight of Cerberus' goals. The monstrosities you've seen here in Omega are all his doing, not mine. I've cautioned him more than once that the path he'd set us on will lead to humanity's downfall along with the rest of this galaxy. Still, he does not heed my words."

If a man so high up the organization's hierarchy became disillusioned because of the Illusive Man's actions, it speaks volumes as to their current state.

"The future of mankind has always been my priority," the general continued. "If I deem that Cerberus has strayed from that, then I will abandon them and pursue it myself along with my men."

"How noble…" said Aria in snide.

"And the reason you want Tina is?" asked Shepard.

General Petrovsky seemed reluctant, but after a few moments of considering, he opened up to them.

"This little one may be the best hope for our survival…"

* * *

"While I'm not really one to talk, I think it'd be better for you to get some sleep."

Lilith looked up from the command console to see Doctor Patricia Tannis holding two steaming mugs of coffee.

"When was the last time you slept?"

Lilith gratefully accepted the Brown Mud of Awakening. "Oh, I dunno… How long have we've been inside this extra-dimensional phaseshift-whatever?"

Once the doctor had managed to figure out the basics of the technology of Handsome Jack's inter-dimensional garage ship, they wasted no time in chasing after Tina. Actually, what happened was that Lilith wanted to test whether the ship was safe first, but Doctor Tannis thought showing them how it worked would be easier than explaining it. And thus, they were now traveling into a new dimension…

That or possibly forever stuck in a closed space until they all die, according to Doctor Tannis' theory.

"I'd say about six hours, twenty-two minutes, and thirty-five seconds. Of course there is also the matter wherein whether time is even supposedly perceptible in this place whilst our ship passes through it. Quite fascinating to think about, really."

"Then I guess its fine that I haven't slept in a couple of days now, then."

"Erm… Is that normal?"

It's not.

"Aren't you the doctor?" asked Lilith with some amusement.

"I think it should be perfectly fine," shrugged Doctor Tannis. "But since the others were… adamant that I sternly warn you to get some rest, I am obliged to insist that you should head off to bed now."

"Didn't have the guts to say it themselves, huh?" Lilith smirked. She raised her warm mug, savoring the smell of roasted beans.

"Well, seeing as you're the captain of this crew, they pointed out that only a brilliant doctor like myself could stand on the same level according to space travel doctrine," said Doctor Tannis smugly. It was obvious that the others had played on her dubious sanity and professional pride to get her to poke the sleepy and cranky tiger to go to her bed.

"That is a good observation." Lilith smiled in a way that even the slightly unhinged doctor thought was mildly disturbing. "Maybe you cold try consulting with our other brilliant doctor on the ship. He came and told me the same thing."

"Oh? Doctor Zed?" Doctor Tannis took a sip of her coffee to ease her nerves. "So, since I've given you the same second opinion, I guess it would be better if you would follow our recommendation. Doctors orders and all that."

"That's alright," said Lilith, taking a sip of her own whilst her hazy but feral eyes were locked with the doctor. "He changed his mind just awhile ago. Said I could stay up as long as I wanted to. He even said that he was the one who probably needed to sleep for a few hours."

"Well, that's just absurd," frowned Doctor Tannis. "Where is he? I would like to argue his decision in backing from a perfectly reasonable medical deduction."

"Actually, he's just over there."

Doctor Tannis furrowed her brows in confusion as she looked towards where Lilith pointed to. There was no one else in the entire command bridge besides them. Everyone else had gone on their breaks simultaneously since they didn't want to be anywhere near their cranky captain right now.

"I don't believe he's here?"

"Look closer," smiled Lilith as her lips touched her mug and gulped down the drink.

Doctor Tannis couldn't really see where until she heard a soft snoring sound coming from a black barrel placed next to the edge of the control panels. She gulped as she finally realized where her colleague was.

"Would you care to join him?"

"I…" Doctor Tannis was scared, but she was also not completely sane either. "I will not back down on my medical opinion!"

"Wow. I'm impressed, Doc." Lilith clapped her hands. "You've got more balls than anyone else on this ship. I'll have to change my opinion of you."

"Really? Does that mean you'll listen to me?"

"Hell no." The siren slowly walked towards her, putting down her mug first. "It just means I'm going to put you in a nicer, cleaner barrel unlike Doctor Zed over there."

Doctor Tannis squeaked meekly as she backed away against the wall from the encroaching siren.

"I'm warning you! I know ways to take down powerful foes like you!"

"Oh? I'd like to… see you… try."

Lilith moved sluggishly, just before hitting the floor face first in front of the doctor and letting out an audible snore.

Doctor Tannis breathed a deep sigh of relief.

"Is it done?" From the entrance to the bridge, Maya's head was peaking out. She came in after noticing the body on the floor, with Axton, Salvador and Mordecai following her in. "Finally. I don't think she was ever going to sleep."

"You got that right," said Axton. "Thought for sure spiking her coffee wouldn't even put her down. Still have the tranqs loaded in the clips just in case too. Isn't that right, Salvador?"

The gunzerker pulled out his machine guns with a grin on his face. "If these didn't put her out, nothing will."

Everyone on the ship had been on board with the plan. The lack of sleep had been affecting their leader for quite some time now and they couldn't bear to see her suffering from it. They also couldn't take suffering under her cantankerous presence much longer. They were shivering and hiding in fear every time Lilith walked their way.

Although the bright side to it was that the ship had been free and quiet from Claptrap for the meantime after Lilith stuffed the chatterbox somewhere unknown. A handful were slightly praying that he was fine. Most prayed seri that she had chucked him out of the airlock, though.

"She just needs some rest," said Mordecai, pulling Lilith up to his shoulders. "Once she gets a good night's sleep, I'm sure she'll be thanking us for it."

"All thanks to my brilliant idea," declared Doctor Tannis.

"I gotta admit, I wasn't so sure your plan would work, Doc," said Maya.

"That is because my intelligence is unmatched. I knew from the beginning that this plan would work."

"Our thanks, Doc," nodded Mordecai.

"I hope this shows everyone here that I am not just some loon of a doctor," she said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important matter to attend to."

The good Doctor turned about face and promptly face-planted the floor with a thud and snored like a diesel engine, leaving all those awake staring at her in surprise.

Axton moved beside her to check up on her.

"Out like a light," he said with a shake of his head. "Looks like she spiked the entire pot rather than just the mug she gave to Lilith."

"Well, come on," said Mordecai. "Let's get these two out of here and into their beds. It might take a while before we get to our destination anyway."

The vault hunters carried away their peacefully sleeping leader and Doctor Tannis, failing to notice the two very naughty crew members that were hiding outside around the corner watching them leave the bridge unmanned and unguarded.

In no more than a few hours, pandemonium shall begin.

* * *

"DIBS ON THE CAPTAIN'S CHAIR!"

"Hey, I wanted to sit on the Captain's chair!"

Mr. Torgue, the buff and half-naked founder of the weapons manufacturer Torgue, pushed Claptrap away to sit his butt and massive pectorals on the central chair that looked over the bridge.

"Aw, no fair." Claptrap rolled to his side. "I want to sit on it too!"

"SIT WITH WHAT?!" said Mr. Torgue in his usual booming voice. "YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ASS TO SIT ON!"

"Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Well, I guess I'll settle for being in charge of the buttons on these control panels."

"AND I GIVE THE ORDERS!"

Both Mr. Torgue and Claptrap played around, pressing buttons and whatnot, not exactly blowing things up as of now, but still creating some minor havoc all over the ship as doors sealed shut, gravity went down, toilets backed up, and slices of pizza got sent flying everywhere.

For some reason, almost every corner of the ship was equipped with a pizza dispenser.

With the two troublemakers hijacking command of the bridge, it was certainly making things more interesting. Especially now that the ship had just suddenly exited the inter-dimensional space and reached their destination.

The destination being some distance away from a silver colored planet that had many, many hovering ships that had tentacles.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE?!"

"This is…" Claptrap adjusted his lens to get a better look at their new surroundings from their view screen. "I think they're aliens!"

"ALIENS?!" Mr. Torgue gaped in awe at the squid ships. "WHAT DO WE DO?!"

Though he sat in the Captain's chair, Mr. Torgue really had no idea on what to do in this type of situation. The alien ships seemed to have noticed them, angling themselves and pushing towards their ship. It was understandable since their longer, and hard looking purple ship appeared out of nowhere.

Handsome Jack's designs certainly looked to be compensating for something.

"Hmmm… I think we should default to the First Contact practice that everyone in Pandora is familiar with," suggested Claptrap.

"SHOOT FIRST AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER?!" said Mr. Torgue doubtfully. "I DUNNO. MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK SOMEONE ELSE FOR HELP?"

"Help? But you're the captain! We don't need anyone else's help!" Claptrap began pressing down on more buttons. He seemed to have sealed off the entire bridge from the rest of the crew. "Trust me, we can do this by ourselves. Don't you want to be hailed as the greatest captain of all time for dealing with the aliens?"

"HMMM…." Mr. Torgue seemed reluctant. "I REALLY DON'T WANT TO MAKE LILITH MAD, THOUGH. SHE'S ONE SCARY LADY."

"Uhh…" Claptrap actually remained speechless at the mention of her. This was due to the unspeakable things he remembered that she'd done to him. "Yeah. I guess you're right. We don't wanna make her mad. It's really too bad though. After I finally figured out how to arm all the weapons too."

"WEAPONS?" Mr. Torgue asked. "WHAT WEAPONS?"

"Well, this ship seems to be equipped with a lot of different kinds. It will take a long time to mention all of them. I haven't even found some of the hidden features." Claptrap raised a holo-blueprint of the ship in front of them. "We've got lasers, plasmas, seeker blades, a couple of grapeshot acid launchers… Oh, and this one!"

Mr. Torgue gaped in awe at the display of the ship.

"FIRE IT…"

"Huh?" Claptrap turned to see the mesmerized buff man. "But what about—?"

"FIRE THEM!" Mr. Torgue slammed his fist on his captain's chair. "FIRE ALL THE MISSILES!"

"Roger that, captain!" Claptrap saluted. "Locking on all targets!"

* * *

Palaven Command. Located somewhere deep underground and hidden for the time being from the Reaper forces invading the planet. Inside one of the last vestiges of organized resistance against the overwhelmingly powerful invaders, Rear Admiral Silvius Sonos watched the strange massive ship that had appeared next to the invading Reaper forces hovering over their planet. It had to have been easily ten kilometers long.

It didn't match any of the Reaper ships that they were familiar with. And given the way that the Reapers were on positioning themselves towards it, he didn't think it was with them. Even though the ship was massive, he didn't think it would stand a chance against the combined might of the Reaper forces. If anything, it just seemed like they would be a bigger and easier target.

"Spirits," murmured one of his soldiers watching. "I think it's doing something."

All over the massive purple ship holes started to appear everywhere on its surface, making it look like a sponge. And then, from those holes came out multiple objects that fire out and created so much white smoke.

"It's firing missiles!" said the turian Rear Admiral. "So many missiles! It's spraying all those missiles at the Reapers!"

Like he said, and endless wave of missiles flew from the ship like pressurized water at the Reapers. They weren't weak either. As soon as they hit a ship, each missile exploded magnificently in a bright white light that devoured the surroundings. With the sheer number of them, it was as if multiple smaller suns had temporarily appeared over Palaven.

It didn't take long before the brightness dimmed and every turian in the room saw the devastation that the ship had caused. Not a single one Reaper ship remained over their planet. All that was left were bits and pieces of them floating in space.

"Just who are these people, Rear Admiral?" asked one of his men in awe. "Do you think they're friendly?"

That was the question that sent a shiver down Silvius's spine. It didn't seem out of place for that ship to be able to destroy their whole planet.

"Rear Admiral!" his communications officer called. "A planet wide broadcast is being sent from that ship!"

"Put it up on the screen," he ordered.

"GREETINGS!"

The loud voice boomed over audio, causing everyone to flinch. On the screen was, surprisingly, a half-naked large human with a mustache and wearing shades. He seemed to be particularly too close to the camera, giving every turian watching on Palaven a good look at his pecs.

"WE COME IN PEACE!"

"But didn't we just fire on their ships?" a digital voice asked somewhere on the offside of the screen.

Silvius shuddered. He didn't think it was possible, but these people thought the Reaper ships were theirs.

"WELL, WE COME IN PEACE NOW!" said the buff human at the voice. He turned his attention back to the camera. "AND BESIDES, THOSE THINGS LOOKED CREEPY ANYWAY. LIKE SPACE CALAMARI THAT GIVES ME THE HEEBEEJEEBIES! ANYWAY, I THINK ITS AT THIS POINT THAT I SHOULD SAY THAT THEY SHOULD TAKE US TO THEIR LEADERS, RIGHT?!"

"Let me see…" the digital voice seemed to be looking up something. "It said on the First Contact manual I'm downloading… Wow, that's a really big file. Who knew meeting aliens would be so complicated?"

"SCREW THAT!" The human turned back to the camera. "NOW JUST TAKE US TO YOUR LEADERS OR WE—-!"

"Hey, what's that ticking sound?" the digital voice interrupted.

The large human raised his head, apparently hearing it as well.

"OH, I KNOW THAT SOUND!" he answered in delight. "THAT SOUNDS LIKE ONE OF MY KNOCK-KNOCK-WHO-CARES BOMBS!"

Boom. An explosion appeared somewhere behind the human.

The turian Rear Admiral couldn't make head over heels of what was happening right now.

After a few seconds, the man on the screen disappeared somewhere off camera, and the sounds of pounding of flesh and metal scraps followed by the shrill painful voices of the two were heard.

Suddenly, another human appeared on the screen.

"'Sup?" the fiery female adjusted the crooked camera to give them a better look at her. "Sorry about that. Whatever these two idiots were saying, you can ignore all of that. I'm the one in charge here. Just got off from a nice nap to find everything going wrong… Which was the reason why I was worried about sleeping in the first place!"

Silvius noticed she directed her ire someplace off camera. He didn't know who she was, but he decided it would be best not to get on her bad side. Hopefully she would be a little better in diplomacy than the other human.

"Ahem." The woman straightened herself. "Now that I'm here, I would like you take us to your leaders."

Well, at least she was asking.

"Or else."


End file.
